Thursday, 17 March 2011


*rolls in, flops dramatically on nearest soft surface and whimpers pitifully*

Germs.... we have germs!

This is baaaaaaad.

First idea i had of anything was Princess shoving me awake and telling me 'Chicken just bee'd sick' as though it had been done especially to ruin her night.

Que crippled bed stripping; 

Interesting, and almost difficult enough to be considered an Olympic sport.

Then the second expulsion came, of course before i could find any kind of receptacle around the room, and which had to be hastily mopped up with wet wipes and resulted in princess having to lay on a towel. She was Not Impressed.

Within a day i sort-of had it (may have been maccys poisoning as i wasnt actually sick but was very fragile and green for two days), a day later princess came down with it and yesterday Manic got sent home from school as they suspected he had it - you know something is seriously wrong when manic goes off his food!

So then yesterday Astro gets what we lovingly refer to as the Hot Snots (a temp and a runny nose). We assume its just his teeth because such a bonny baby, fed only on Mothers Best cant possibly catch a crappy bug and fall ill as well, can he!

Can he?


So yes, my night last night consisted of mainly nose wiping, rocking (which hurts like expletive works a bit and also he kicks me if i stop) trying (and failing) to bribe to sleep with the milkies and general despair at the fact that ive not managed even four hours sleep in a night for the over a week.

*insert picture of death, warmed up*

Oh, and somewhere in all that my baby first born turned 11! *sob sob sob*
He will be starting secondary school in September and im beside myself, he is such a caring, thoughtful young man and im worried he will be ruined! I am very tempted to cry 'Home Ed!' and keep him!

But i know he is excited to go, i just hope he has a better time of it than i did. *wails again* where did the time go?!

Now then... I shall be doing a momentous post on Monday or Tuesday, and i have a special thankyou post to do for tomorrow, which will have a follow-up post too. I just wanted to pop in and explain my recent absence from here, twitter and (to a lesser extent) facebook. Ive not forgotten you, im just elbow deep in vomity, bawling children!

(Awww, i cant not do it, i have to say a quick thankyou to @nickie72. You'll find out why tomorrow!)


Thursday, 10 March 2011

Twat relief!

First, you need to go here so you know what im talking about....

Done? Ok... So you know why we are cross and disappointed, i try to make a point of disagreeing with @Nickie72 at every given opportunity, ya know, just to help keep her grounded. Im a giver like that.
But this time i couldnt help but agree, its a bit of an insult really to whoever wins the bidding. When i had @brendan_sheerin, @dildo_bob and best of all (and this one had me squealing for days) @TheBloggess - people i consider to be proper celebs- follow me of their own volition it seriously made my day! Why on earth would you want a fake version of that, one which you had to PAY for!?

Anyway, my Twat Relief nominee....   

...... *drum roll*.....

The Twitter fail whale!

No, not the picture that comes up when twitter is broken, the person using that name for their twitter profile.

I liked him to start with, he seemed funny. Then i was a bit meh and less impressed. Then i was tolerating him and his so called humour. Now he is unfollowed and with gems like these you'll soon see why ......

'I always know when a girl is pregnant.. It's only time she has anything nice to say about her Baby Daddy on Facebook.'

'Somewhere in the world a dumb b*tch is mad that they made an iPad but didn't make any iTampons.'

'If having sex with her is like throwing a hot dog down an empty hallway' and 'If she has a tattoo that says "Enter At Your Own Risk" on her ass' all for the woman affirming 'She'sAHo' hashtag.

These are just a few choice examples, but im sure you'll get my point. The twitter whale (or is it twatter today?) is a sexist, misogynist insult to the mammal kingdom.

In my opinion 3)


Wednesday, 2 March 2011

What is *your* problem?!

There seems to be some confusion floating about, so please allow me to clear things up.

I keep hearing the question 'What is wrong' with me?
We'll stick to the physical here shall we? I have severe SPD. SPD is not a sexually transmitted disease, moron, its a complication of pregnancy. When you are pregnant your body makes hormones to (among other things) loosen the ligaments in your pelvis to allow a little movement during the birth.
 In my case, my body went at making these hormones like a fatty goes for cake*. Far too much, in other words.

As a result of this my pelvis became very unstable. The best way i can describe the feeling of my pelvis is this...

Imagine a frame, from which is suspended 4 bones, all of these bones make an round shape and are held together very firmly. There is duct tape going round and round the outside of these bones so no matter which way you tip the frame they stay together. This equals healthy pelvis.
Now imagine these suspended bones have no duct tape and the best you could do was to link them to each other with lengths of old elastic, which you forgot to cut short. Now tip the frame and see the bones jiggle and sway. Beautiful arent they? Possibly, but they are no longer particularly practical for the purpose.

When your pelvis takes on the state of the second image and you try to stand it feels a lot like you are supporting the frame with your muscles and skin, rather than the frame supporting you. It also feels rather a lot like the whole lot may just decide to drop out at any given moment. Nice.

Now somewhere along all this jolly swinging pelvis activity something happened to my spine. I dont know what happened but it was something and it causes me a whole fuckload of pain. It is a word because i just used it, ok?
Now my MRI (an entirely delightful experience in itself) showed the SPD in all its glory AND what the technician/doctor/monkey with a stethoscope determined was 'an old injury'. As i have no old spinal injuries (pretty sure id remember that) we can only assume he misread the scan and are seeking another opinion.

Now, i do genuinely feel there has been some improvement in my pelvis. Not a great deal but it is a start. However i do not feel any improvement to my back, the pain from which is constant and swings from 'just about tolerable with all these drugs' to 'dear God its trying to kill me and im tempted to just let it'. Being the generally delightful ray of sunshine i am i try not to drag everyone else down with me. I force a smile on my face, i make myself still sit up and communicate (even when id be really much more comfortable shuffling under the pillow and not moving st all), i DONT force every person i see to sit through a long list of my aches pains and miseries. Im a giver like that, ok? I also force myself to make the painful journey down the stairs as often as my sanity can cope because i am aware my kids are missing out and i want this to cause them as little suffering as possible.

So, when you see me smiling, joking on twitter or facebook, or if you are one of the lucky few who get to actually see me and im talking, avoiding the subject of how i am and trying to seem an 'normal' as possible, please remember this is all for your fucking benefit and you better appreciate it or i will punctuate your next encounter with anguished screams of pain and torment, k?

Thanks for your time.

*as a recovering fatty who does love cake, i am totally allowed to say that.