Pelvis, Interrupted (and stuff).

2011-10-20T11:55:00.001+01:00

Hey guys.
This will be my last post here. I just can't make this place feel right.
I'm sorry to all those who will miss my posting here but i feel like too much has changed, away from here, to be able to continue.
It's not all bad news though, i've started afresh here http://brokensinglemum.blogspot.com/ and i really hope you will all join me xx

2011-10-06T21:19:00.003+01:00

Testing testing... can anybody hear me?
Ok ok, down in front!

Hi!
Yes, I know, I did it again. I did the thing where I do a post and you think "~~Oh God no, she's back~~ Yay! She will start posting again!" and then I disappeared again.
Sorry about that, things have been kind of tough around here and it's just been too much for me to get the pc on long enough to write a post out.

I *may* extend a little more on this at another point in time but for now I'm just going to say that GH (Grumpy Husband) has since become GE (Grumpy Ex) .

I will be around more often (I know I said that before), I have a laptop now so once the children are asleep and I am warm in my bed on the sofa, I can turn to you lovely readers and waffle til ~~your eyes bleed~~ ~~you die of boredom~~ ~~you stab the screen~~ you get bored of me!

Love to you all xx

Big Day Out!

2011-08-24T17:58:00.001+01:00

Today, im pretty sore and very tired but more than that, im proud of myself. Yesterday i pushed myself from the car park to the London Aquarium, 99% round the LA and back to the car park again. The most i have pushed myself in the wheelchair to date. My arms ache but its kind of a nice ache, a you-pushed-yourself-but-not-too-far ache. Its warm and reassuring. Im pretty sure its the belated endorphin high making me so happy but ill take it, thankyou very much!

I was desperate to take the children somewhere, even just on one proper day out this holiday. Im so sick of my pain levels (which have gotten worse, not better) preventing us from living our lives so much. I endeavored to do this trip come what may. Im guessing that tomorrow what may come is bucketloads of pain and self pity but ill deal with that bridge when i have to cross it.

The day in general was brilliant. GH had a few mini meltdowns at the lack of signs as we drove through London and the satnav kept telling us to drive off a bridge to get to the car-park (i kid you not) but we made it there ok. Tommy, Ellie and Father-in-law (from here on 'fil') met up with us under the London Eye as their route on our adventure involved taking the train.

We got to skip the throng of queuing Sea life enthusiasts as id paid for our tickets in advance (after no small amount of saving and scraping on my part). Id strongly recommend doing so as you get a slight discount and dont have to stand in the rain with excited children. The Aquarium itself is pretty wheelchair friendly, with lifts and fairly wide corridors and big rooms. Its a shame the general public is, at times, not so wheelchair or family friendly! I didn't even try to count the number of times a group barged through ours, separating us. Luckily though, all the children are on board with day-trip behaviour and know to stay close and keep an eye on each other. Well, except Lottie but to give her credit, she did very well.

One thing i am very proud of - i breastfed John in the Amazon-style part of the aquarium. Nursing in public is something i feel strongly about but can be a bit shy to do at times. Not a soul noticed though, as far as i know, so there was no nasty confrontation to deal with.

The only disappointments of the day were me not being able to see the penguins - they were too popular and despite me waiting for over ten minutes to get to the front of the crowd, people just kept pushing in front and wouldnt let me through,

the lack of signage at the photograph collection point informing us that that was the place to hand in the childrens treasure hunt forms (they had all got the answers correct and had been assured a prize for doing so by the staff member who gave them to us) which meant they didn't get handed in and they missed out on the much-awaited prize

the fact that the wheelchair-accessibility ended in the gift shop. I was informed i would have to go a fair way back through the aquarium in order to get out. So GH ended up having to bump me down 5 steps, which was pretty rough on me as he was too tired by then to be able to be very gentle.

The very best bit of the day, aside from being able to see the seahorses, rays and the turtle was Lottie on the way back to the car. After we'd said goodbye to Tommy, Ellie and fil to go catch their train, we headed back towards the car, stopped briefly to buy the most expensive waffles known to mankind (seriously, ripped off - we got three and they came to almost £20! Had i known, or been able to see a price anywhere we would have walked right past!) and then Lottie tripped and fell, getting her jumper, dress and leggings muddy.

I decided then that there was no point trying to save the leggings, which she had almost grown out of, and so we let her go to town on all the massive puddles the rain had created.

That small decision made her day and brought joy to so many others too. Every passer-by who saw her delightedly splooshing and sploshing and stomping through all the mini lakes along the way to the car, caught a bit of her happiness. Id not seen so many smiles and laughs from strangers in a long time. Tourists even stopped to take her picture, not that she noticed - she was having the time of her life!
We ended up having to completely strip her off to put her in the car but she didn't care, she had her blanket to keep her warm. I think that looking back, she may not even remember the fish, but i bet she'll remember those puddles :D

Being in London was enough for me, i love that place, almost as much as i love Brighton. There is so much to see and do. Living in a village has its perks, but there is such little difference here, so little to do and see and experience. There was art at every turn, a funfair on the way back from the aquarium. I honestly didn't want to leave. I hope we can afford (somehow) to get back there again soon.

2011-08-24T17:09:00.000+01:00

Hey guys,
I want to thank you all for your patience, sticking around while i had a break from blogging. It wasnt planned and i still dont really understand it but it did me some good because im back, feeling a lot less sorry for myself and eager to ~~bore~~ entertain you all.

So, in that vein, im going to tell you what ive been up to.

Life has been a bit of a mix here, as it is everywhere i guess. GH and i have struggled a lot, together and sometimes not so, to keep our relationship going. Its been a pretty rough patch but i am hoping we are getting through it now.
John is properly crawling now and is fast approaching his first birthday, but he is still so much a baby to me. All the others were so much more independent and a lot less interested in me and my affection by this age, and im really enjoying getting a baby for a bit longer. Not that he'll stay this way for long, i know, he is already a climber and can cruise the furniture.
We have had birthdays too, Lottie and Ellie are now 3 and 6 respectively. Tommy is preparing for the fast approaching start of the new term at a new school as he is moving up to Secondary.
There has been some friction in the wider family too, some rather ill-thought-out comments and questions regarding my current health and the current 'state' of our relationship have lead to some ill feeling and that isnt easy to get past when your heart is already so full. We are trying though.

Mostly though, it is what it is and we are what we are. I try to keep us all positive, looking forward and working together, all the while supporting my twitter addiction.

Off to write new 'diary style' post now, love to you all xx

Questions and answers.

2011-05-06T15:24:00.000+01:00

I was tagged by the lovely and brilliant Imperfect at Imperfect pages (one of my favourite blogs to read and her photos are stunning, give her a try) so as i have a very rare ten minutes alone with the keyboard i thought id give her questions a go!

Which living person do you most admire and why?
I cant think of anyone specific (im sure i will once i hit publish). I guess anyone who gets on with living, who values their children and makes the most of their lot in life.

When were you happiest?
Im pretty happy now, believe it or not, but i think the most simple time in my life was way back when it was just Tom and me, in our flat together. It was just the two of us, in a lovely sun filled flat, surrounded by friends and free to come and go as we pleased. Life was easy and fun.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Im sure there have been more than i can think of right now, im very clumsy and naive so i make a fool of myself on a regular basis. However the moment which springs to mind was way back when i was about 7 (i think) bursting for the toilet at a friends house i ran up the stairs and in to their bathroom and sat on the loo just in time.... and then realised the lid was down and i had pee'd everywhere (including all over my trousers).

Aside from property what was the most expensive thing you've bought?
It has to be the Phil and Teds Verve. It is also the object i most regret buying, it had problem after problem and they refused point blank to replace or exchange it. In the end they agreed to refurbish it after id spent several months suffering its faults and i sold it on to a lovely childminder on ebay.

What is your most treasured possession?
I dont think i have one really. No, actually the camera, and the computer - they both have lots of photos of the children stored on them.

Where would you like to live?
If i could live anywhere i think id stay in England, but id love to have land. If i ever came into the kind of money you'd need to have what im about to describe (after using some of it to help others and benefit charities) id get a great swathe of forest by the sea and just build us a house near the shore. I actually daydream about this quite a lot.

What is your favourite smell?
How long have you got? I love smelling Johns breath, its all milky. But i love the smell of home baking too, proper home cooked food cant be rivaled for sniff-ability. Also, i love the smell of my perfume which i only wear on special occasions and is the scent i wore on our wedding day. Oh, and Earth Mama Angel Baby's entire range, it all smells delish! And clean washing brought in from the line.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
I have no idea. Really, who would even want to watch it?!

What is your favourite book?
I love reading, i always have. I have had some of the best times of my life in books and i really hope to pass the passion on to my children. For me though, my most treasured book has to be Desperation by Stephen King, it was the first book of his i ever read and it was terrifying! Im hooked on King now and there is very little of his fiction i havent read.

What is your most unappealing habit?
My honesty, i think - i refuse to lie. Id never be deliberately mean or hurtful to anyone else but i can be devastatingly honest with myself. Its often mistaken for putting myself down but it really isnt that, I just know me pretty well. I wont lie about you either :P

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Erm... something slimming.

What is your earliest memory?
Sitting in a hospital (might have been Great Ormand Street) with my Mum and sister, there was someone trying to convince me to drink this awful, foul tasting drink they were trying to convince me was a milkshake. I think in the end the threat of a tube down my nose got me to drink it, but it was truly disgusting.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
My not-so-secret materialistic daydreams i think. I have rather extensive wish lists on amazon and Etsy and NOTHS, i even have an account with Rightmove so i can look at my house porn whenever i want. In fact *insert embarrassed face* in the past ive even downloaded software to design our perfect house.

What do you owe your parents?
My strength of conviction in my parenting and what is right for my babies.

To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
My sister.
We could have had a different relationship had i been a bit more mature, patient and understanding.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Without question, my children. Closely followed by Grumpy Husband.

What does love feel like?
i think love changes, and it changes you. Also different types of love feel different too, the love i have for my children is not the love i have for my husband. The love i have for my Mum is not the love i have for my best friend. I think love is near impossible to quantify, it teaches and gives and it takes away too.

What was the best kiss of your life?
I dont think ive had it yet, but i have plans ;)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'I *just* said that!'

What is the worst job you've done?
Waitressing. It wasnt a bad job in itself and it was great exercise, but the people i worked with made the job hard. And, when i left they kept all my tips from the entire time i worked there!

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Other than the relationship with my sister, id like to take back the parenting knowledge i have now, to when i was pregnant with Tom, and apply that knowledge and experience from the very beginning.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Having John actually brought me pretty close. When he was born the surgeon told us that my uterus was stretched to thin they could see John through it and if we had allowed the labour to progress naturally we would likely have both died.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The fact that i have five healthy, happy children. Im still not quite sure how that happened.*

When did you last cry, and why?
Oh crikey, i cry quite often at the moment, usually just because im exhausted and the pain is getting too much. I try my best not to cry in front of the children though, i dont want them to worry any more than they already do.

How do you relax?
I daydream. its a good way of pushing the pain away, and it helps me get off to sleep when im struggling.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Sadly id say money. Its awful to admit but i really believe that if we could afford two specific things our lives would be greatly improved.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Make the most of what you have and focus on the positive. Learn all you can and enjoy every second of your children.

Im not tagging anyone because i dont know who hasnt already done this one, so feel free to add on in the comments and ill edit this to include you later x

*Obviously i know the mechanics of it!

Meet the herd, take two.

2011-05-06T15:21:00.000+01:00

Ive been umming and ahhing over this for a while but after asking the children's opinions we have decided to stop using nicknames. Well, except for Grumpy Husband, who is still grumpy.
So, I guess ill re-introduce us...

Im Becki, and my children are Tommy, Nathan, Ellie, Lottie and John. Ta daaaa!
This will make writing my blog and keeping on top of my facebook page so much easier, because i wont have to keep checking back to make sure im using the right nickname in reference to the right child!

Shocking, no?!

Sunscreen!

2011-04-13T22:31:00.001+01:00

Ok, this may be a strange one to come back from my (un-planned) blog hiatus with but its what is in my head at the mo with all this lovely weather so here we go :D

SUNCREAM

Having recently seen that some suncreams contain ingredients that may, over a long period of time, actually cause damage to the skin we decided to make the change we had been considering and switch to all-natural versions. So here is my non-sponsored, un-solicited review of the two we tried.

Badger.
The packaging claims water resistance, SPF 30 UVA and UVB protection and a light scent. It cost £13.17 from Amazon, plus £1.57 delivery.

The ingredients -
Extra virgin olive oil, Beeswax, Jojoba Oil, Cocoa butter, Shea Butter, Lavender essential oil, 'CO2 extracts' of Rosemary and Seabuckthorn berry. All the ingredients except the beeswax are Certified Organic. The packaging then adds (outside of the ingredients box) that it includes also a 'high quality, pharmaceutical grade zinc oxide'.

The packaging.
The packaging is cute i think, with a lovely badger basket-carrying a baby badger on its back along a tropical beach. The purple and yellow are eye-catching but not blinding and all the relevant information is clearly displayed.

The suncream itself.
When i first tried the cream on i wished i hadnt picked the toddler to use it on first. It comes out very thickly and is almost gritty with small lumps. The lavender smell is a little too strong to us, as a scent we dont tend to favour and it takes a fair amount of rubbing to spread it across the skin though the lumps do rub out.
However, once thoroughly rubbed on to the skin it is almost invisible, and i was very impressed at how long it stayed on the childrens skin. Only the toddler needed a re-application later in the day, this pleased me greatly because it means that the value-for-money factor has significantly increased. When asked which they prefer both Princess and Manic chose this.

Points are out of five out of five -
Ease of use - 2
Effectiveness - 5
Value for money - 4
Overall impression - 4
Total 15 out of 20 - i would recommend it but for older, more patient/easily distracted children.

Burt's Bees.

Packaging claims chemical free sunscreen with hemp seed oil, 100% natural. SPF 30, UVA and UVB protection. It cost £16 from Amazon, plus £3.95 shipping.

The ingredients.
'Active ingredients' Titanium dioxide, 'Inactive ingredients' water, hemp seed oil, glycerin, stearic acid, fragrance, sunflower seed oil, hydrated silica, sucrose distearate, calendula flower extract, hawthorn stem extract, witch hazel extract, golden seal extract, comfrey extract, rosemary leaf extract, alginic acid, acacia senegal gum, xanthan gum, beta carotene, sucrose stearate, lecithin, aluminium hydroxide, sodium borate, glucose, sodium chloride, canola oil, glucose oxidase, lactoperoxidase.

The packaging.
I really like the packaging, a lovely warm yellow with a bearded, sun-glass wearing fellow pursing his lips right in the middle. My children call this one the 'old man' sun cream!

The sun cream itself.
This cream spreads considerably easier than the other cream but unfortunately it dries very very quickly. The best way i can describe it is if you have ever bought a cheap foundation, which dries too fast for you to be able to blend it properly and instead just rubs off or leaves a tide line. Its the only negative point i have about this cream as the smell is very mild and it lasts quite well - only the high-friction areas of the children's skin needed reapplication. I do have to admit the long list of ingredients concerns me a little but it is cited as being '100% natural'. Chicken and Dreamer both prefer this one.

Scores then!
Ease of use - 4
Effectiveness -3
Value for money - 4
Overall impression - 4
Total 15 out of 20.

I have to say i strongly dislike the feel of sunscreen on my skin and prefer to just use a moisturiser with an spf for myself. Though the two creams scored the same and had two children each prefer it, my choice would be the Burts, the ease of spreading and the lack of strong scent win out for me. Hope this has been helpful :D
After reading Imogen's comment below i went to the cosmetic database and checked out the burts bee's sunscreen and the badger sunscreen. I have to say the results shocked me and im amazed that Burt's bees can get away with calling itself all natural!
As i now have more information i am changing my original decision to one in favour of the Badger cream. It may be harder to use and smell worse but it is far far less damaging to my children's skin and health in general. Thankyou Immi, i shall be referring to that site often!
.

Silent Sunday.

2011-04-10T12:49:00.000+01:00

First go on the swings.

GERMS!

2011-03-17T22:04:00.000Z

*rolls in, flops dramatically on nearest soft surface and whimpers pitifully*

Germs.... we have germs!

This is baaaaaaad.

First idea i had of anything was Princess shoving me awake and telling me 'Chicken just bee'd sick' as though it had been done especially to ruin her night.

Que crippled bed stripping;
Interesting, and almost difficult enough to be considered an Olympic sport.

Then the second expulsion came, of course before i could find any kind of receptacle around the room, and which had to be hastily mopped up with wet wipes and resulted in princess having to lay on a towel. She was Not Impressed.

Within a day i sort-of had it (may have been maccys poisoning as i wasnt actually sick but was very fragile and green for two days), a day later princess came down with it and yesterday Manic got sent home from school as they suspected he had it - you know something is seriously wrong when manic goes off his food!

So then yesterday Astro gets what we lovingly refer to as the Hot Snots (a temp and a runny nose). We assume its just his teeth because such a bonny baby, fed only on Mothers Best cant possibly catch a crappy bug and fall ill as well, can he!

Can he?

Bollocks.

So yes, my night last night consisted of mainly nose wiping, rocking (which hurts like expletive works a bit and also he kicks me if i stop) trying (and failing) to bribe to sleep with the milkies and general despair at the fact that ive not managed even four hours sleep in a night for the over a week.

*insert picture of death, warmed up*

Oh, and somewhere in all that my baby first born turned 11! *sob sob sob*
He will be starting secondary school in September and im beside myself, he is such a caring, thoughtful young man and im worried he will be ruined! I am very tempted to cry 'Home Ed!' and keep him!

But i know he is excited to go, i just hope he has a better time of it than i did. *wails again* where did the time go?!

Now then... I shall be doing a momentous post on Monday or Tuesday, and i have a special thankyou post to do for tomorrow, which will have a follow-up post too. I just wanted to pop in and explain my recent absence from here, twitter and (to a lesser extent) facebook. Ive not forgotten you, im just elbow deep in vomity, bawling children!

(Awww, i cant not do it, i have to say a quick thankyou to @nickie72. You'll find out why tomorrow!)

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Twat relief!

2011-03-10T13:08:00.002Z

First, you need to go here so you know what im talking about....

Done? Ok... So you know why we are cross and disappointed, i try to make a point of disagreeing with @Nickie72 at every given opportunity, ya know, just to help keep her grounded. Im a giver like that.
But this time i couldnt help but agree, its a bit of an insult really to whoever wins the bidding. When i had @brendan_sheerin, @dildo_bob and best of all (and this one had me squealing for days) @TheBloggess - people i consider to be proper celebs- follow me of their own volition it seriously made my day! Why on earth would you want a fake version of that, one which you had to PAY for!?

Anyway, my Twat Relief nominee....

...... *drum roll*.....

The Twitter fail whale!

No, not the picture that comes up when twitter is broken, the person using that name for their twitter profile.

I liked him to start with, he seemed funny. Then i was a bit meh and less impressed. Then i was tolerating him and his so called humour. Now he is unfollowed and with gems like these you'll soon see why ......

'I always know when a girl is pregnant.. It's only time she has anything nice to say about her Baby Daddy on Facebook.'

'Somewhere in the world a dumb b*tch is mad that they made an iPad but didn't make any iTampons.'

'If having sex with her is like throwing a hot dog down an empty hallway' and 'If she has a tattoo that says "Enter At Your Own Risk" on her ass' all for the woman affirming 'She'sAHo' hashtag.

These are just a few choice examples, but im sure you'll get my point. The twitter whale (or is it twatter today?) is a sexist, misogynist insult to the mammal kingdom.

In my opinion 3)

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What is your problem?!

2011-03-02T17:29:00.000Z

There seems to be some confusion floating about, so please allow me to clear things up.

I keep hearing the question 'What is wrong' with me?
We'll stick to the physical here shall we? I have severe SPD. SPD is not a sexually transmitted disease, moron, its a complication of pregnancy. When you are pregnant your body makes hormones to (among other things) loosen the ligaments in your pelvis to allow a little movement during the birth.
In my case, my body went at making these hormones like a fatty goes for cake*. Far too much, in other words.

As a result of this my pelvis became very unstable. The best way i can describe the feeling of my pelvis is this...

Imagine a frame, from which is suspended 4 bones, all of these bones make an round shape and are held together very firmly. There is duct tape going round and round the outside of these bones so no matter which way you tip the frame they stay together. This equals healthy pelvis.
Now imagine these suspended bones have no duct tape and the best you could do was to link them to each other with lengths of old elastic, which you forgot to cut short. Now tip the frame and see the bones jiggle and sway. Beautiful arent they? Possibly, but they are no longer particularly practical for the purpose.

When your pelvis takes on the state of the second image and you try to stand it feels a lot like you are supporting the frame with your muscles and skin, rather than the frame supporting you. It also feels rather a lot like the whole lot may just decide to drop out at any given moment. Nice.

Now somewhere along all this jolly swinging pelvis activity something happened to my spine. I dont know what happened but it was something and it causes me a whole fuckload of pain. It is a word because i just used it, ok?
Now my MRI (an entirely delightful experience in itself) showed the SPD in all its glory AND what the technician/doctor/monkey with a stethoscope determined was 'an old injury'. As i have no old spinal injuries (pretty sure id remember that) we can only assume he misread the scan and are seeking another opinion.

Now, i do genuinely feel there has been some improvement in my pelvis. Not a great deal but it is a start. However i do not feel any improvement to my back, the pain from which is constant and swings from 'just about tolerable with all these drugs' to 'dear God its trying to kill me and im tempted to just let it'. Being the generally delightful ray of sunshine i am i try not to drag everyone else down with me. I force a smile on my face, i make myself still sit up and communicate (even when id be really much more comfortable shuffling under the pillow and not moving st all), i DONT force every person i see to sit through a long list of my aches pains and miseries. Im a giver like that, ok? I also force myself to make the painful journey down the stairs as often as my sanity can cope because i am aware my kids are missing out and i want this to cause them as little suffering as possible.

So, when you see me smiling, joking on twitter or facebook, or if you are one of the lucky few who get to actually see me and im talking, avoiding the subject of how i am and trying to seem an 'normal' as possible, please remember this is all for your fucking benefit and you better appreciate it or i will punctuate your next encounter with anguished screams of pain and torment, k?

Thanks for your time.

*as a recovering fatty who does love cake, i am totally allowed to say that.

An open letter to Wayne Rooney

2011-02-28T17:57:00.001Z

First, a little background. I dont 'do' football. I disagree with the amount of money earned by the 'top' players and feel it is grossly disproportionate, especially when there are nurses teachers and social workers who cannot afford to get a mortgage. But somehow yesterday i accidentally watched a bit of Match of the day.

It very quickly reminded me of another reason why i dont bother with football - the casual violence. Wayne Rooney was running past a fellow on the other team, approaching from behind. He was running toward the ball and the blokey from the opposing team was sort of drifting along toward the ball but without any real sense of purpose (as far as i could see). As Mr Rooney passed the other footballer he hopped up and.....

ELBOWED HIM IN THE FACE!

:o < that was my face. There may have been a squeak emitted as my jaw hit the ~~baby~~ floor.

Is this how football is played now?
He got a 'congratulations-for-existing' hug off the referee (who had missed the entire attack).

:o <still my face, by the way.

His team manager (? I think?) said after the game that he was sticking with the referees decision (or lack of one) and looked generally rather smug.

:o <again, im staying like this.

If I were in charge of that team i would be disgusted. Entirely disgusted. Admittedly, i dont know a great deal about 'the beautiful game' but surely this type of behaviour should be actively discouraged?

Dear Mr Rooney,

Belated congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you and your wife thoroughly enjoy being parents.
Yesterday i caught a little of a match you were playing in, where you elbowed a man in the face, entirely unprovoked and approaching him from behind so as he had no chance to avoid your strike.
You are a Father now, is this the type of example you wish to set for your son (and the thousands of youngsters who idolise you)? That violence is acceptable? Would you be proud if your son were to approach somebody from behind and randomly elbow them in the face?
I wonder what your parents had to say of you last night. Do you realize that they will be questioned about it? That you will have brought their parenting under attack with your childish lashing out?
And what about your parenting? Please dont think for one moment that nobody who saw that wondered what kind of parent is capable of acting that way.
Did you think about anything before you did it? I cannot imagine any thought process which results in an idea like that seeming like a good one!
What did you hope to accomplish?
Did you realise that you risked breaking that mans jaw? That thousands (if not millions) of people saw you do that?
Did you do it then knowing that you could likely get away with what is basically assault? That had you done this anywhere else on earth other than that pitch, you would have been arrested?

Yours,
concerned Parent

Compare my day...

2011-02-15T23:57:00.000Z

Im officially disabled now. Did i say? Its bittersweet really. On the one hand it means a car, getting out of the house and no more hospital transport. Being able to take the children out and making up a little in experiences what they now miss in a mother. On the other hand im very uncomfortable accepting such a label - my brain still insists im fine, in my head im fully able - its only my body thats not with the program.

Every day is a shock to me, i really expected by now id be back on my feet, tweeting things like 'walked to the shop today, tired but glad to be walking!'. Instead i find i have very little to say, who want to hear 'made it to the loo in time again, yay me!'? Ive done a comparison below, it might prove to be depressive reading so dont feel you have to stay, i wont hold it against you x

My normal day.
Alarm goes off at half past six and as soon as i hear it i jump out of bed (yes, really).
I use the toilets, have a wash and brush my teeth. I get dressed and then go to wake up the boys. I wake them up by singing 'Good morning, good morning' and opening the curtains.
I give them each a kiss and tell them how lovely it is to see them both. They get up and start getting ready for school.
I go into the girls room and do the same, helping Princess and changing Chickin nappy and dressing her.

Back to my bedroom to turn off Hubby's alarm and wake him up and get dressed.
Down the stairs i go, to the kitchen. While i stick a load of washing in the machine and then prepare the breakfast the children help me out by getting out the cutlery, getting the coats ready and finding the shoes (which oddly enough are never in the shoe box).
After eating our breakfasts together we get on coats, wrestle the chick into the buggy and set off on the walk to school, meeting up with a friend on the way.
After walking the mile there, settling the three 'big ones' in to their respective classes and apologizing for whatever devastatingly important thing ive forgotten, i meet back up with my friend and we walk back together, often briefly stopping to catch up with other friends. Sometimes we stop at the shop, and once a month we walk the two and a half miles to the nearest trading post to stock up on tins and washing powder.

Once home i hang out the washing and put on another load - it never ends you know! The chick helps with the pegs and then weighs down the bin while i struggle the full bag out and take it to the big bin out the front. We'll usually play together til lunch, sometimes reading, colouring or watching a show but not today, today is shopping day so we grab the change bag (which i got ready the night before) and run for the bus.
We have ninety minutes to get round the store before the bus leaves to go back which is just enough time to get all the bits on the list and maybe stop for a little treat at the cafe before we are off home again.
Once home i unpack the frozen stuff and then the chick and i have lunch together. After lunch chick and i settle on the sofa for a cuddle and very soon she nods off for her sleep. I use this time, putting away the shopping, bringing in the dry washing, hanging the wet load and loading up the machine again. I might check emails on the computer, or do a bit of housework upstairs but i try to be back on the sofa next to her by the time she wakes up.
Before long its time to go and collect the bigger babes from school, im tired but happy as i go from class to class collecting them up and we walk together. Sometimes we go to the park but not often, i dont like how busy it is right after school. Today isnt a dance day (Princess and Manic each have a dance class at the village hall once a week) so we go straight home.

After the usual chaos getting in the door and unraveling the children and emptying the buggy we set up to do homework or watch half an hour of tv or spend some time in the garden, depending on the day and the weather. All too soon Hubby is home and its time to start preparing dinner. I usually have at least one 'helper' and yet somehow dinner still gets made. The food is eaten, the plates are cleared and the dishwasher is loaded. Time for baths, time for respective bed time routines to begin. Hubby and i take turns with doing the bedtimes and spending dedicated one on one time with each of the children. Then before we know it its our bedtime too and off we go.

Boring, right? Totally predictable, suburban and blah. Nothing special at all. But its something i miss in my life with a fiery intensity. This is my day now...

I hear my alarm and groggily shut it off. Ive barely slept and im so tired, i hate hearing that thing go off. Im aware i wont necessarily know i need the toilet til im bursting so i should really get up and off to the loo.

So i sleepily shuffle to the edge of the bed and im up and off.
Except im not, it doesnt quite work. I try again to stand up only to be met with a bolt of pain through my pelvis and back, and a weakness in my thighs which tells me i'll not make it an inch off the bed without something to pull myself up on. So i use the 'special' handle on the side of my bed - put there for that very purpose.

Now im up, and a little more awake i head to the bathroom.
Except that wont work, with any weight on them my legs wont lift off the floor (not without a lot of pain and strain), so i grab for my crutches. Bit better, still hurts more than being in bed did but its lessened enough that i can move now. Off to the loo (i wont go into too much detail but there is a very attractive frame around our toilet now to help me get down and up) and into the other room to wash my hands.

Only now im knackared. Ive only just started and already im done. The pain im in has sucked out what little energy i had just in getting to the toilet. Shall i brush my teeth? It means letting go of one of the crutches - being only partially supported. No, it will have to wait.

I get back to bed and i just want sleep. But im a Mum and i cant give in yet. I want to go into the boys room and wake them up smiling, but I have to settle for calling to them from my bed. Not the same, but it does the job. The girls are up now too - one stone, two jobs i guess. Time to take my tablets.
I cant go downstairs and make their breakfast now, so i get Husband up and he does the down stairs duties with the children.
I help however i can, doing nappy changes and supervising the dressing, reminding them to pick up their fruit for snack time or take in their bookbag, whatever i can remember.

Now they are all gone. Id love for chickin to stay with me but she cant - even with a gate at the top of the stairs and on the boys room i cant keep her safe. She is too inquisitive and in the hour the school run takes she could pretty much inquire the house to rubble.
Just me and the boy then, and that is nice. I settle down to feed him and try to nap. Not on my side - if i do the front of my pelvis will overlap and get stuck, and worse at some point in the day it will unstick and un-overlap. So, im sort of diagonal really, ive cushions under and behind me. Im still hurting and uncomfortable but i might sleep.

Maybe i sleep, maybe i dont, maybe i doze or daydream, maybe i just stare out the window. But im close to my baby and im feeding him myself, and that is good.

Home already! Hubby is back, and Chickin is excited. What will i do with her this morning? Is it playgroup day? Are we off to the park maybe? Will i treat her with a bus ride to the seafront or the big park?
No, none of those things. I read her a story while Astro sleeps, but she gets bored soon after and goes to find Daddy. I love that they are so close now but i long for our old relationship back. Daddy entertains her now.
I switch on the computer and check my bank account, emails and listen online to the radio. The computer will stay on all day, its the only way to keep my brain going. I can hear Hubby and Chickin, doing housework, playing. At some point i get to brush my teeth but usually it involves realizing the trip is going to cost too much in pain and asking Hubby to bring it all to me. Lunch time rolls around and what do i want? Nothing really, i dont really get hungry anymore. But i ask for something, i know i must eat and Hubby will worry if i dont. Something simple it is then, and i eat as much as i can.
Tablets again. They dont seem nearly as effective as they were, now barely taking the edge off and providing me no comfort, but i take them as they are better than nothing and i am afraid that asking for something stronger will mean giving up feeding Astro.
I feed the baby again and play with him for a bit but he'll soon sleep. Chickin comes up to see me again and we read a book or watch a dvd. Sometimes she sleeps a bit and i turn to the computer, looking on Rightmove at pretty houses or harassing friends on facebook or twitter (you know who you are ;) ).

Hubby will try to pop up between housework jobs but cant stop long, i love him dearly though for his efforts. Before long its school run time again, i try to doze while Astro has a re-fill but often im too achy and restless. Boy do i miss that school run, especially on the cold clear days. The babes are home soon though and i put on my best smile and listen my hardest to their days events. I will do everything i can to stop my misery from becoming theirs. We watch tv, or they go downstairs for homework or to make the best of the better tv selection. Dinner is brought up and i eat what i can, take my tablets again. Hubby is clearly tired but he gets on with the bedtimes. I help as i can, changing a nappy, supervising the pj's or applying toothpaste to brush. If im having a 'good' day for pain i'll sit up for a while and fold some clean washing into piles to be put away.

The kids are settled and Hubby comes to check if i need anything. We chat for a little while but he is tired so i tell him to go downstairs and enjoy the unrivaled remote or play on his xbox for a bit (he has more than earned it!). I'll feed the babe again and then play around on the computer til he comes up to bed. His comes in here again before bed for a while and we'll watch a bit of tv or chat briefly. He sleeps in the other room now, so his snoring doesnt prevent what little rest i get in the night.

So, now alone i try to sleep, its often futile but i try none the less. I usually give up in the end, ending up roaming the internet til 2 or 3 am when my eyes feel heavier than the pain and i try to catch the doze and develop it to a sleep. Sometimes it works for a couple of hours, sometimes not and im staring out the window again or daydreaming the hours away til my alarm goes off again.

Its not inspiring, is it? This is why im finding it hard to write posts again - i really dont have anything new to say. Other than stories of how my brain and body are still at odds regarding my physical capabilities. I was having a good pain day on Saturday,so i somehow convinced myself i could stand. Just for a few minutes, just long enough to snap a few pics of the outgrown baby clothes im flogging. I must have been upright for maybe a minute, leant heavily on the side of the bed, before i collapsed in pain and weakness. That set me back four days, that minute - ive been in too much pain to even try and wash in the bathroom - only making it to the toilet out of sheer pigheadedness.

It kills me that something as natural as having a baby has left me like this, and that my problems continue to baffle doctors. Not having a plan, bugs me too. I like to be organised, to know where im going and what needs doing by when. I seem to be floating along on a sea of pain with no particular destination and no use of the experience.

I dont seem to have a proper close for this post, sorry if ive brought anyone down but i have to get it out somewhere and really, thats why i started this blog in the first place x

Images courtesy of Google Images

2011-02-09T19:50:00.001Z

Conversations with a two year old.

Chickin: Where is Princess?
Me: Shes gone for a wee wee.
C: I hit her face?
Me: No, dont hit her.
C: I sit on her head?
Me: No, dont sit on her head, its not very nice.
C: Yes?

********

C: Waalalalawlwlalalaalww (waving leg around)
Me: Put your foot down please
C: Weeaahaallwewwlaalaa
Me: Put your foot down before you hurt your brother
C: Wallaawaaallwwlaawwaa
Me: There, you just caught your brothers head. Thats not very nice, is it?!
C: Ohhooeeeaahahaallawaalla.

********

Me: Come on then Chikkie, lets get your socks on and you can go with Daddy to the school.
C: NO! No, i not goin'. I dont like the monsters.
Me: What monsters hun? You're just going to the school.
C: No! No school, monsters there!
Me: There arent any monsters baby, its only the school. You dont want to go to the school with Daddy?
C: Nooooo, no school, the monsters!
Me: Ok hun, ok. But you wont get to go find Dreamer, Manic and Princess.
C: Ohhhh. No, no school.
Me: Ok hun, you stay with Mummy and we'll have our snack together.
C: Yes! Snack! We have snack.
*12 seconds after Husband leaves for the school run*
C: I wanna go school with Daddy!
.
.

One of those days.

2011-02-03T17:11:00.001Z

Im having a 'day'. You know, a day where stupid, inconsequential little things really get to you and you'd like to curl up in a corner and sob about the unfairness of it all but you cant?

Yeah, one of them.

I listed the things that were bothering me and that just made me more depressed.
So i thought id share it.

Im nice like that.

*If you want to skip this post i totally forgive you x*

1) I decided to try baby signing with Astro. I bought the book and spent time reading it and learning how to spot his cues. His first sign, which he just did naturally and all by himself?
Daddy.

2) Ordering a new tap thingy for the bath so i can finally have a shower and Husband needs a Thing for downstairs. Neither of his choices are in stock and i explain there is something similar and order that. He is fine with this until it arrives, and he says 'Its wrong, i needed one with holes in'. This is quite sufficient for me to grasp why it isnt suitable but he insists on launching into a long, drawn out, detailed explanation which leaves me quite certain he thinks im a moron. We have words.

3) Astro is a complete Daddy's boy. As are the older boys. The girls turned out to be Daddy's girls too, whats so wrong with me? Im way nicer!

4) I realised today that ive not had a shower/bath for around 6 weeks (hence taking matters into my own hands and ordering a new what-sit for the bath). I feel truly disgusting.*

5) Said what-sit cannot be installed until the weekend, at the very earliest, and is sat in its box at the end of the bed, mocking me.

6) My pain killers, along with keeping me awake, giving me fierce constipation and making my hair fall out are also getting less and less effective at taking any pain away and have changed my sense of taste so that pretty much every food i like now tastes completely crap to me.

7) The gross, disgusting, disease ridden mould downstairs (which will likely be responsible for the zombie apocalypse) is only getting worse and i cant bear the thought of the children spending any time near it so they are stuffed in here with me, which is lovely but im seriously claustrophobic and am boring the kids to death.

8) All i want is to have a shower and feel clean, get dressed and get out of the house. But i still cant. Our car has been delayed and we now wont get it til mid-March.

9) Husband put my juice in the wrong bottle and now my Ribena tastes pear-y. I dont like pears. But i cant waste the Ribena cos its so stupidly expensive.

10) All of our children's plates, bowls and cups are not bpa free. So now i need to replace them. Except nowhere in the UK does anything for anyone older than two years so i have to order from the US and pay the crippling postage.

11) My blog posts have stopped showing on my facebook news stream. Again.

12) I hate doing miserable, self-pitying blog posts like this but i need to let it out.

13) Nobody is commenting on my new facebook blog page thing so i still look like a freak just talking to myself.

14) One of my best friends is being all weird and passive aggressive with me and i dont know why or what ive done and i dont want to ask.

15) Ive felt for a very long time that there is something 'not quite right' about Manic but cant put my finger on it. Now someone else has mentioned it and i dont know how to go about helping him.

16) We desperately need a bigger house but our banding means we are just never going to get one. And i hate feeling like a scrounger being on benefits and on the council list even though there is absolutely nothing else we can do right now (and id never call anyone else in this situation a scrounger so why am i so hard on me?).

17) and now Pinks 'Who Knew' is on the radio and it reminds me of my sister and now im gonna cry.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Thankyou for listening x

*Oh, i do wash every day, ive just not had a proper bath or shower as i cant get in the bath and we dont have a shower (or didn't, til i got sick of the council fannying about and bought a mixer tap shower combo thing).

Dear So and So

2011-02-03T15:44:00.001Z

Dear Advertisers at large, it has become clear to me that many of you think we are stupid. Please see below.

Dear Aptamil advertisers,
Im sorry but wtf? Who wears a scarf outside their coat? Oh, yes thats right, no one. Id imagine the gaping space between the scarf and the childs neck makes the scarf really more of a decorative item. Except arent decorative items meant to spruce things up and make then look better, not stupid?

Dear crisp manufacturers (namely Quavers and Skips),
I understand that in this current financial climate everyone is trying to save money and find ways to spend less on stuff. Really, i get it. Im guessing you guys decided the quickest way to retain profit without upping prices would be to change the way you flavour your product a little, maybe use something a bit cheaper? Fair enough, thats cool, i see where you are coming from. After all you have employees depending on you, we dont want any sackings going on!
Well... except for maybe one guy. The guy who decided onion is a great flavour alternative for a prawn cocktail and a cheese flavoured product. Yeah, that guy is stupid and should really be sacked because the last two multi-packs of Quavers and Skips we bought* i couldnt eat a single crisp for the overpowering onion flavour.
Ick.

Dear make-up and hair product manufacturers,
Id like to clear something up. It has become staggeringly clear to me that you neither believe your products are 'worth it' nor that your customers have any discernible intellect. Perhaps i should qualify - if your product is so frickin fantastic that it really is worth that much money, then why do you need to use fake eyelashes/professionally-styled-to-within-an-inch-of-their-lives supermodels/ computer trickery to make it look good?
Yeah, exactly.

Dear time,
Please quit sucking so much. Id really appreciate it if on a Tuesday morning when i have exactly three hours to myself, you could stop haring past in the blink of an eye so i could actually get something of some use accomplished.
Also, when i am bored brainless and dying for the kids to be home id love if you could quit dragging your heels.
Not much to ask, so i totally expect next Tuesday morning to take all day, ok? Thanks.

Dear Housing people.
I love you guys. Did i mention how totally awesome your hair looks today? Seriously, have you lost weight? I mean it, you are all amazing.
Now please sort out our constantly flooding front garden which makes our entire living space fill with black mould (mmm healthy).
Actually, as we are officially overcrowded and all our well made plans to move into private rental are screwed now that im all crippled and shit, id really be impressed if you could find us another place to live. It would make life easier for the workmen too, cos then they could fix that front wall/front garden/nasty mould stuff in an empty house with no distraction.
What was that? Yes, 5 bedrooms and a nice big garden would be fantastic, thanks!
*wakes up*

*we dont actually buy four multi-packs of crisps in one go, just so you know, we get one a fortnight, so this onion crap has been going on way too long.

Click my button (no, dont be gross, the button that says 'Dear So and So') to see more offerings.

Think think think.

2011-01-27T00:26:00.000Z

Ive had a think (Nickie, stop pretending to be shocked).

Yesterday i was a bit side-swiped. Given the amount of pain i am in i really expected the mri results to be dire. When they said they couldnt find anything i was confused and then sad.
No problem means no diagnoses.
No diagnoses means no treatment.
No treatment means no recovery.
Oh God, will i be stuck this way forever?

Now that ive had time to mull it over a bit i have realised it was good news. No problem might not help now but it means there is nothing there to make it worse! That means the worst case scenario is me staying in this physical condition, which i could cope with, now that a lot of the restrictions placed on me (in case i made my back worse) are gone.
It also means there is no obvious reason why i cant get better.

Hear that? Thats the sound of a stubborn old mule getting out of bed...

Good news/bad news?

2011-01-25T22:52:00.000Z

I only let on to two friends about this because i was worried, really worried, about what i would learn.

Today i got my mri test results.

And they were actually worse than i feared. They showed that (apart from the very slowly recovering SPD) there is nothing wrong with my back.

You may think "Well isnt this good news?" and in a way it is - I certainly dont want to be disabled, labelled or ill and in pain.

But (and this is a big one) im now left hanging again. I have no reason or explanation as to why my life is a constant struggle against excruciating pain and considerably reduced mobility.

I have to admit, i just cried. If there is an opposite to validated that is how i feel now. That doctor - the only one who took me seriously and empathised with me - can no longer help me. All he can do is pass me back to the physio and on to the pain clinic.

Limbo, thats where i live now. Its a painful and confusing place and i do not wish to be here.

Why Peppa Pig Must Die

2011-01-24T12:27:00.001Z

We've all been there, our toddler has discovered what he or she thinks is the best thing since ~~chocolate~~ sliced bread.
We sit down and watch a little with said child and think "Well, its not too bad, i can live with it til the next 'Best Thing Ever' comes along".

I'm actually a bit of a TV control freak when it comes to my children. I put a timer on for watching shows, once they start school TV is an earned thing - not a right, and if there is something new they want to watch I watch it first to see whether it is suitable.

Well, initially Peppa Pig passed muster. There is no violence or swearing, no blatant product placement, her favourite thing to do is to play outside... all seemed pretty good really, so we let Chickin watch some when she needs a bit of downtime but we dont want her to actually have a nap, and usually one of us will sit with her.
After watching probably every episode of that show several times ive come to a conclusion.

I do not like Peppa Pig. In fact i feel quite violent towards the whole program.

You may think that is a rather strong way to feel (especially for a pacifist) about what, after all, is just a cartoon and you would be right but that doesnt change how i feel.
I shall explain. We have already established im not a fan of the television (in fact id happily not have one at all). I am also a bit of a stickler for manners, i figure they dont cost anything, they make life a little more pleasant so why not use them?

You might now be getting an idea where my issue with Peppa springs from...

Peppa Pig is a spoiled brat.
She very rarely says please for anything (though i have heard a few thankyou's) and often demands rather than asks. The phrase "I want" has featured several times and Peppa has got whatever it was that she wanted.

Peppa Pig is frequently rude and disrespectful.
She wilfully ignores her parents, tells them they are silly or wrong and is never brought up on it. In fact she seems far more in charge of the goings-on than her parents are.

Peppa's parents clearly cannot see any issue.
If my child was rude, deliberately mean or hurtful to her brother, didn't ask nicely for something or told lies id have to step in and have a word. No need to be strong-handed, a quick explanation of why we dont do that often makes the point clear -
"Peppa, we dont speak to people that way because it is rude, lets think about how we would feel if someone said that to us, and see if there is a different way to make our point"
"Peppa, i told you that George gets frightened if you push the swing up high. How would you feel if somebody deliberately scared you? Well, you just made your little brother feel that way. I think you need to apologise to him."
"Peppa, in this house 'I want' does not get. If you cannot ask me nicely i will not want to help you. I may be your Mother but i am not your slave. Lets try again and see if we can do things differently."
"Peppa, it isnt nice to tell lies. If you lie people cannot trust you and then when you really do need something nobody will believe you."
Not. Difficult.

Its odd, because i wouldnt judge a real life person for bringing a child up this way. But none of my friends do parent in that fashion so perhaps we gravitate toward the more like-minded. By the way, those examples are just a few of the many ive noticed, there is usually at least one thing per episode that makes me grind my teeth and roll my eyes. And dont even get me started on Peppa's parents...

I think i need a lie down...

*After further thought, i have come up with another reason, which is in no way Peppa Pigs fault but in for a penny.....

Chickin now calls my Very Lovely friend D's son 'Georgie'.
I must stress that he in no way looks, sounds or smells like George Pig, but as she evidently sees herself as Peppa, the poor lad (her very favourite playmate) gets lumped with being sidekick.

Moments..

2011-01-23T10:40:00.001Z

Did you know it is possible to write a blog post, entertain an almost 5 month old baby/change his nappy, play a board game with a five, eight and ten year old, drink a hot milk AND defend said board game from the inquisitive toddler?

We are Mums, whats your superpower?

Quick catch-up

2011-01-21T02:18:00.001Z

Hello all

*waves*

Just a quick catch up tonight im afraid...

Im sorry ive not been about here much. I have been working on some new things for the blog and as a part of that im currently writing up my conception/birth stories. Its pretty hard going and rather emotional so some of it is coming a bit slow.
On this note - i'd really like to do a series of birth stories, so if any of you would like to take part just leave a comment with your email and i'll forward you the details, or click on the me tab and send me a quick message x
(you dont need to have had spd to participate, any and all stories welcome)

A lot of my time is being taken up by Astro. His teeth are really pushing at the moment and he looks at me with such hurt in his eyes - 'Mummy, why dont you make it go away? You are the fixer-make-it-better person, why dont you fix it?' He doesnt scream with the pain, so much as sob with heartbreak! As well as that, which is mostly an issue in the evening, he is just at such an amazing age, he responds to our voices, he babbles and is mimicking so many sounds, he is reaching for things and trying to grab with a purpose. We marvel daily at just how cool he is. :D

Over the last month or so, ive been taking stock. Im really very lucky but there are things i feel we need to improve on as a family, food being one - a post on that to come.

Husband and i have been talking about the future, my brokenness, the fact that for the first time since i was 17, there is no chance of any more babies, what we are hoping to achieve in this next year... you know those January type conversations. A lot is up in the air for us right now because of my physical condition, but making plans and looking forward is something that has always made me feel better - i love a bit of forward planning and organising!

I had my mri on Monday. The scan itself, though lonely and awfully loud (i had on ear defenders, which had radio piped in rather loudly and that was easily drowned out by the machine), wasn't as scary or claustrophobic as i was worried it would be. Dont get me wrong - that thing is close but there is room between your nose and the top.
The worst part was having to lay on my back for an hour. After about three minutes my pelvis quit playing nice and started to really hurt. After about fifteen minutes the stabbing sensations began (the lady did ask me if i wanted to stop but i knew if i got out id never get back in again). My back was killing me and my thighs were twitching - something that only started after the second pelvic crack** (the one after Astro was born), but we managed to get it done.
Ive been in agony despite my pain relief since Monday, which is partly why ive not posted (Husband says my back is visibly bruised from laying down for the scan, which explains some of the extra pain and discomfort). Before the mri it was because i was anxious and couldnt concentrate, and since the scan ive just not been able to focus past getting through the pain enough to be a Mama.

I dont do myself any favours when im in pain. My natural response is to draw into myself and stop communicating. Husband knows when in having a bad day because trying to hold a conversation with me is like trying to break a bad habit - not impossible but damn hard work! This could be why i have such difficulty getting medical professionals to see just how much pain i am in, they are used to kicking/screaming/visibly distressed people where as i just go a bit pale (so i am told), and have to rely on Husband getting my point across for me - sometimes i literally cannot speak.

Anyway, thankyou for taking the time to catch up with me, and hello to my new subscribers (or should i call you Interrupters?). Dont forget my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pelvis-Interrupted/105930342815614 where i'd really love to hear from you guys, i really value your comments and would love a bit of conversational flow but thats hard to achieve in the comments section!

Hope you are all doing well, best be off and try to sleep while its quiet! Night x

** I think ive figured out what the crack was - if i lay/lean too much to one side the front of my pelvis will overlap, and when i get back in a better position or try to stand that noise is it coming open again. Gross no? But fairly interesting, at least to me!

A day of events

2011-01-12T01:18:00.002Z

Today my second baby turned 8 years old! Happy birthday Manic :)

Over the last two weeks Manic has mentioned several times that he would really really like me to be downstairs for his birthday.
So i was.
It was quite the feat, but using the same movement i employ to get on and off my bed i managed to get down the stairs.
Once i got down there i put the baby sling on and sat at the table so i could make Manic his birthday cake, and then played with Chickin (whilst feeding Astro in the sling - first time ever, get me!) making up some spoon animals from a craft set she was given by a great friend for Christmas.
I say spoon animals (supposedly a peacock, a dog, a cat and a rabbit) but really they are a beautiful mess :D Hey, im not going to sit here and impose instruction on her creativity, and the spoons look pretty cool as 'nose' 'fevva one' (thats feather one to you and I) and 'They're spoons Mummy' - complete with withering look.

I took a break from sitting upright while Husband took Chickin with him to collect the bigger children from school, by laying back on the sofa and listening to the radio with Astro asleep on my chest. It was so lovely, i can barely describe my appreciation of those forty-odd minutes. It has been so long since i was down there for any length of time (man, does that room need a re-paint!).

So, once the family got back from the school run, i once more took myself to the table, this time leaving Astro in Husbands capable hands, and set to the pizza making with Manic. We cobbled together a pizza for the children and a pizza for the grown-ups and it was quite the success. The salad was polished off before the grown-ups pizza was even cooked (little buggers, they were meant to leave us some!) and the chocolate brownie cake, which was served with organic vanilla yoghurt, went down twice as well!

Soon as dinner was done i set to hauling myself back up the stairs before i was too tired and in too much pain to contemplate even moving. Its quite the task getting back up and takes a fair bit longer, but i managed it and am now safely back in bed, resting and recovering (while i was at the table Chicken managed to accidentally kick me full on in the back in her efforts to get in the chair next to me - OUCH!).

Im glad i did it, the look on Manics face as he came through the lounge door, seeing me on the sofa, was worth every bit of the pain im in now. Just by being in a different room i made that childs day, and not just any day, his birthday.

Oh! AND! I wore a pair of jeans today!
You may say this is nothing special but to me it is. Apart from the fact i currently live in nightwear (except for hospital appointments, for which i don my old maternity stuff as its easier to get on and off), this particular pair of jeans were too small for me to get on, let alone do up before i got pregnant with Astro! And they slid down!

Im the happiest crippled Mama ever today!

Silent Sunday.

2011-01-09T22:32:00.000Z

Plans for the future (aka World Domination).

2011-01-08T14:36:00.000Z

Right then! Hello again :)

Astro is having one of those 'I can only cope with being fed or sleeping and everything else makes me cry' days. I think we all do from time to time so im mentally preparing for another whole day of just getting my boobs out. Yeah, he did this yesterday too. Its probably a growth spurt/teething/day ending in day causing it.

Unfortunately today i actually had Plans.

I spent all my Christmas money (thanks rellies!) on crafty stuff and it is all sat there, taunting me. 'Come, play with us. We will magically turn into beautiful things which will make passers by weep with impressed-ness'. Not sure why my bedroom would have passers-by but that isnt the point. I have inspiration and i want to make things!

*weeps with frustration*

Mourning?

2011-01-07T00:56:00.003Z

Oh, tears.

Ive just today discovered The Feminist Breeder - an American blog by a Mum of two (almost three). Im just reading some of her recent posts and getting a feel for the style of her blog before i decide to follow her or not (i will be, she is really really good)
But i keep starting to cry, and having to skip bits of her posts. I think there are so many aspects of her planned birth which i so dearly wanted for Astro's birth, and i didn't get to do any of it, and now i'll never have the chance to try.
Never feel another first little flutter, or spend a ~~trimester~~ morning praying to the porcelain god miserable but all the while secretly excited that life was growing inside me once more. Never feel the relief of the water in the pool against the contraction, never push a new life out of me, never have that first touch and cuddle and root.

I know im so so incredibly lucky and blessed and more to have any children, let alone five of them, and i adore them all from top to toe and back again. But i cant help feeling robbed. I never got to do it, my own stupid body failed me and now we'll never get to try again.

No more pregnancies.

It feels like a life sentance.

(ETA please dont mistake my sadness as begrudging TFB her planned birth. Just because mine went wrong, doesnt mean im some bitter old hag who wants everyone to be sad, If you ever see this please know TFB, that i genuinely wish you every success and happiness and an awesome birth xx)

All nekkid and up close-like.

2011-01-06T21:44:00.000Z

Thats it, ive had enough. You lot are going to be privy to a heck of a lot more of my day to day ~~nonsense~~ ~~rambling~~ ~~crap~~ everything. Reading back over my posts ive think ive been doing better but ive still been censoring myself.

I want to be wide open and honest and detailed. So.. there you go.

Hahaha, 2011 may be the year i get sent a lot of therapy bills...

Im in for another telling off

2011-01-06T20:49:00.000Z

Ive done it again and i know im gonna get told off (Ms Typecast, i shall take my punishment like a good girl) but ive let some daft idea creep sideways in to my head and ive all but stopped posting on here again.

Please feel free to ~~stamp on my forehead~~ remind me at any time of the following points....

There is no law which states i may post on my blog no more than twice a week.

There is no law which states i may not post more than one post a day.

If i do not update my blog i really should not be surprised that nobody knows what im doing/feeling/planning.

All together now.......' Duh!'

Thankyou

2011-01-04T02:30:00.000Z

Just a little post to say Thankyou. To you guys, each and every one of my 20 (squeal of excitement) followers. I never imagined anyone would really be interested in ~~my ramblings~~ ~~the crap i waffle about~~ what i had to say, and that twenty people actually care enough to follow me just blows me over.
I love each and every one of you, i hope you all know that.

*sniff*

Thanks guys :D xx

Getting my (l)activist on!

2011-01-03T17:57:00.001Z

Hello peeps, happy new year! Hope Christmas brought you all your hearts desired, and all your bellies could hold!

Sorry ive not been about much, ive struggled a little over the holidays - some with the SPD and complications, some cos we have all had some evil flu thing and some because when my babies are off school i just want to spend time with them so sadly you guys get a bit neglected. Sorry about that but im sure you understand x

My planned post for today has had to be postponed. Ah well, you'll ~~be forced to sit through it~~ get to read it eventually! Nope, todays post is being replaced by something more important, something ive ~~waffled at length~~ spoken about before.

FACEBOOK VS BREASTFEEDING

Now, last time i blogged about this i was in a state of shock and disbelief that facebook *seemed* to be targeting breastfeeders, deleting their photos and sometimes even removing their accounts entirely with either no warning at all or with a rather confusing message citing breaking the terms of service relating to decency (or somesuch, the exact phrasing eludes me and if i go off in search of it i'll lose momentum).

Well, there is no 'seemed' about anything now. Yesterday facebook started an all out campaign against breastfeeding. Nowhere is safe or sacred. I have no idea what Fb has against us but its pretty clear now that there really is no 'accidental' about the deletions (as has been claimed by facebook previously).

Yesterday, without warning or notice The Leaky B@@b disappeared from Facebook. This was a support forum for breastfeeding and 'natural parenting' families, a place i frequented. It was open to anyone and everyone was made welcome. I asked for advice there on more than one occasion and received gentle support. Im not sure id still be feeding Astro without their help, and i know for a fact id not be expressing for Chickin without the encouragement i received there.

Nobody who was a member of TLB can figure out what exactly was done that warranted removal of the group. None of the bfeeding photos showed nipple or areola (hello, there was a babies head in the way!). If you think this is blatant discrimination or even just unfair, please join here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bring-back-The-Leaky-Boob/185706648121870 and go to TLB's blog and follow her advice to help us get it reinstated http://leakyboob.blogspot.com/2011/01/why-tlb-on-facebook-and-what-you-can-do.html .

Breastfeeding is the normal, natural way to feed a human child. Still, that doesnt mean its always easy and without struggle. Often in the past ive found myself with a question or concern and its been late at night (isnt it always?) or ive not wanted to have to call the already rushed off her feet health visitor. Im quite isolated at the moment, a position many parents find themselves in and having a group i can quickly turn to, any time day or night has been a real saviour to me. Thankyou leakers x

Edited to add - in reading the comments on Mr Zuckerberg's page (one of TLB's suggestions) i clicked links to obscene pages still running on facebook. Some of these actually turned my stomach - i cannot describe them and will not link to them, but suffice to say these awful pages are still there now but a support group for bfeeding families has been removed. How are we supposed to see this as anything other than targeting and discrimination?

Dear So and So

2010-12-22T01:56:00.000Z

Dear Facebook.
You can dress it up however you like but you are not having my mobile number. Or any other number for that matter, as i'm pretty confident you'll just sell it on to your advertisers, like you did with all my other information.

Dear Black Eyed Peas,
For crimes against music ... i cannot believe how you have ruined one of the best songs ever! The Time Of My Life was a classic, a Classic! And you wrecked it! I cant forgive you. I wont! You have lost a fan, i'll not be buying another of your albums ever again.

Dear Facebook
I feel it may be pertinent to consider changing your name to 'Two Faced Book' while your double standard remains. I have seen (and complained about) nude and lascivious photos on your website, yet some of these remain. But a picture of a feeding baby - not even a hint of areola - gets removed. Id like to ask if you are ashamed of yourself, but im pretty sure id be wasting my breath.

Dear 'Doctor'
I pray to God you never ever experience the excruciating pain that has been my weekend. I suspected you were unsympathetic when you refused to refer me on, but i had no idea you would go to such depths of pigheadedness!
You see, your refusal to make my pain-killer prescription a repeat prescription has meant ive had to go without one third of my pain relief for three days.
Three. Days.
Thats three days of absolute squirming horror, of sobbing with pain every time i held my baby, of not being able to eat. Three days where very quickly the idea of just stopping breathing is looking like an attractive alternative to the pain i am constantly in.
I know you dont believe i have a disability, that you think im not really suffering because i chose to continue breastfeeding and stop taking the morphine. It saddens me that as a mother yourself you cannot fathom my choice to endure pain (beyond the power of the tablets) in order to do what i believe is best for my child.

Rest assured, you will be my doctor no longer.

Thats all folks! Thanks to 3bed for the button, give it a click - see what you find!

New Hair!

2010-12-18T17:28:00.000Z

Wahoo! Its only been about two years since i managed to get my hair cut (not including my frustration-driven hacking-off-of-ponytail a few months ago!).
A lovely friend of mine paid for a nice hairdresser lady to come over. This is the result...

Oof, its a bit natural but Husband caught me, the bugger. Oh well, im quite pleased with it :)

*dashes to press post before she chickens out*

My baby.

2010-12-17T14:16:00.000Z

I love that baby of mine, i do.
The weight of his sleepy head on my shoulder fills me with a contentment previously unknown, my pain such a tiny price. I look into his eyes and i could just fold up with love. When he smiles at me, that wide-mouthed gummy grin, i could burst i am so full of happy.

He is mine and i am his.
He sleeps on my chest, my breast nourishes him.
My life is richer for his presence.

With him in my arms no dark cloud dare approach, the sun always resides, strong and bright.
I know him completely, his every look, every sound. His tiny hand in mine, so precious and fragile. His dependence a gift so fleeting yet one to be enjoyed. His future so full of choice, so much promise and love to cherish.
I love that baby of mine, i do.

(apologies for the all the goo, normal service to resume soon x)

Its all in the definition.

2010-12-16T16:01:00.000Z

I got told recently that im inspirational.
How should you react to that?
I dont think im particularly special or unusual, im just...... me.
Thought id probably best check the meaning...

"in·spi·ra·tion·al
[in-spuh-rey-shuh-nl]
–adjective
1. imparting inspiration.
2. under the influence of inspiration; inspired.
3. of or pertaining to inspiration."

Uh, ok. Not greatly helpful. Lets try again...

"in·spi·ra·tion
[in-spuh-rey-shuhn]
–noun
1. an inspiring or animating action or influence.
2. something inspired, as an idea.
3. a result of inspired activity.
4. a thing or person that inspires.
5. Theology .
a. a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul.
b. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person so influenced.
6. the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.
7. the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.

Ok, thats a little better.
Lets see - number 1... i dont think thats going to be it, im not exactly what you would call 'animated' at the moment!
No 2 - I can do organising, i can do planning, i can even do common sense (usually for others) but im not really your ideas person.
What about 3? Seriously, the closest i get to activity is my wobbly, slow trips to the bathroom on my crutches!
4 - I dont see how i am in a position to inspire, unless it is inspiring people to not get pregnant and risk ending up like this! ;)
5 then, maybe this one? My mind is the consistency of wallpaper paste after five pregnancies, and my soul? I cant see it to be able to tell you. My 'writings' are really no great shakes, just somewhere i inflict my ramblings upon those la-la enough to read them.
6, this is more like it, i definitely do this one!
7 - last but not least! Naw, we're back to this again.

I think we had it on six, as breathers go im not bad at it. In fact, ive kept it up for 28 years - hey, thats pretty impressive!

Well look at me, maybe i am inspirational after all ;)

Ella's Kitchen review

2010-12-15T19:58:00.000Z

Wandering about on BMB the other day i happened across a post from Paul (representing Ella's Kitchen) looking for Mummy blogger volunteers to review some of their products. Remembering how impressed i was with their range when Chickin was weaning i jumped at the chance!

I was very impressed at how speedily my emails were replied to, and soon we had a box of goodies arrive at our door. As soon as the box was opened Chickin squealed in delight - she had spotted the smoothie fruits! Wrestling her off before she could scoff the lot, i arranged both her and the food tastefully in the corner....

(sorry about the quality of the pics, i tried fixing them but then they wouldnt upload *sob*)

The box contained four smoothie fruits - one each of the green, purple, red and yellow, two snack packs - the red chewy one and the green chompy one, and four toddler meal pouches - tomato pasta, salmon risotto, cottage pie and Caribbean chicken. What a generous bounty!

First go - The green 'Chompy one' snack pack.
This bright green pyramid shaped package contains 5 smaller pyramids each filled with a mixture of raisins, chopped apricots and dates, and dried apple and banana. There is also a little sprinkle of rice flour, i think that is to stop it all sticking together. All the ingredients are certified organic and have absolutely nothing added to them.

Id say they went down pretty well...

It didnt take them long to get chomping! Though Chickin (centre) needed help to open hers.

Dreamer (10) liked the 'cool' packaging. He said he would like to see it in his lunchbox or it could replace his after school banana. His only complaint was that the apricot pieces were 'a bit hard'. It soon all disappeared though!

Princess (5) said that it was 'yummy, well except from the wrapper', and she hoped we would 'actually buy some for real for after school'. Spying big bro and his charming mouth-filling antics, her pack soon went bottoms up...

Chicken (2) ate hers happily too, once i opened the packet for her. She declared it to be 'dislishum' (meaning delicious, her current word for food which passes muster) and tipped the lot in too! Im still finding little raisins in the bed - she obviously forgot her mouth isnt quite as large as her brothers and sisters is!

All in all id say it was a resounding success, all three of the testers liked the food and finished their pack (Manic was out at his school play, he'll be joining the fun for the next item we try out). Dreamer and Princess both asked for them to be included in lunches or to be used at snack time.

As a Mum im impressed by Ella's Kitchens organic certification. I love the back story of Ella's father looking out healthy yet tasty alternatives to the high sugar, processed and generally-mucked-about-with snack items aimed at children. Id be happy to use them myself and also to recommend them to other parents too.

I was all set to launch into a complaint about 'pricing for organic vs non-organic' and how 'many of the families i know feel priced out of feeding their children organic foods', but i stopped, and went to check the prices of the snack packs at the three large super-shops which stock them. I was pleasantly surprised! Ocado and Waitrose quote £1.99 per pack (of 5 snacks) which i would say is the upper limit for what you get, but Asda quote them at only £1.50 - a price i find fairer and far more appealing!

Whether you are planning to buy an Ella's kitchen product or not, id suggest taking a wander along to their website http://www.ellaskitchen.co.uk/ which is full of information and has a game, a competition, advice on weaning, free recipes, info on how to recycle their pouches and a fair bit more.

Now..... the all important score.....Im going to give my very first review product..... 10 out of 10! This product is, in my opinion, a fantastic choice representing good value for money, attractive packaging and taste-tester thumbs up!

Go Ella's Kitchen!

Next review to come - The smoothie fruits.

Heartbreak!

2010-12-14T15:35:00.001Z

Having been a blogger for oh, all of seven minutes, i am of course horribly heartbroken that my thousands of insightful, touching and humorous posts have not earned me a nomination in the BMB fresh voices (new blogger) category.

Pardon?
I dont seem to have written thousands of posts? Not even hundreds? Not even One hundred?

Oh.

Maybe i should spend less time on my Amazon wish list and a bit more time writing posts?
Well, i suppose it cant hurt! :D

Psst, while im here, you might want to visit these four lovely ladies, all of whom can be voted for in the BMB blogging awards found here http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/B3HWHDZ

Imperfect Pages http://imperfectpages.wordpress.com/
Mid 30s Life http://midthirtieslife.blogspot.com/
Making It Up http://www.liveotherwise.co.uk/makingitup
Mocha Beanie Mummy http://www.mochabeaniemummy.com

These ladies, in my opinion, really do deserve their nominations x

(Apologies to anybody ive missed out)

Silent Sunday. Awesome baby.

2010-12-05T19:20:00.001Z

**************************************************************************

Check out the Silent Sunday button to join in!

Yellow hats and green hats.

2010-12-05T14:34:00.000Z

Once upon a time (a very long time ago) every single baby that was born was given a yellow hat.
The yellow hat fitted just right, it was made of natural materials and it lasted for as long as the baby needed it.

Sadly, a small percentage of parents found the yellow hat difficult to get used to, or (very rarely) the hat just didn't work and the babies got poorly. To help the parents with the poorly babies, somebody invented a green hat. It was made from man-made materials, and there were a lot of instructions to follow, but it was better than no hat at all - it was a useful back-up plan.

This was how things stayed until some other people realised that selling the green hats (and all the bells and whistles which were needed to make them fit) could make them lots of money. The green hat manufacturers didn't care about what was the best hat for the babies, they just wanted everyone to buy one of their green hats so they could be rich.

So the green hat companies decided to start campaigning for their hats. They were very sneaky in their work. They told people that their hats were better, more convenient and meant less baby-related interruption to their lives. In fact, they even managed to convince some medical professionals with their lies!

Some parents resisted the green hat companies, understanding that the yellow hats were the very best, and they encouraged everyone to try a yellow hat first. They passed on the benefits of yellow hats, how natural they were and so simple to use, how there were no extra things needed to make them fit - unlike the green hats.

The yellow hat parents only wanted the very best for the babies, but some parents had been confused by the green hat companies and the green hat supporting doctors and nurses. These parents started to believe that the yellow hat families were wrong! They got cross with them and tried to make them feel bad! They tried to embarrass the yellow hat families into never letting their babies put their hats on outside the house or anywhere public.

Luckily, some of the Big Importants understood that yellow wasnt just the best type of hat, but the most natural and normal, so they made sure the right to dress your baby in a yellow hat was protected, and noone was allowed to ask a parent to leave a public place for their choice of head-wear for their child.

These things happened over a very long period of time, and many hurtful things were said by both groups of parents. A divide formed and the choice of hat for your child became a very touchy thing to discuss. Even to this day feelings still run high.

What i cant understand is when it became ok for anyone to make you feel bad for your choice. If your choice was a well informed one, which took into account all the possible effects of the decision, you should be allowed to stick by it without being made to feel bad or guilty or wrong.
I dont believe that people who are trying to help keep parents informed should be shouted down or called names, so long as all they do is present information, and understand that not everyone will choose their hat.

My personal choice is the yellow hat, and it always has been. Saying that, ive struggled with lack of instruction, at times i knew of noone around me whose child wore a yellow hat, i have even encountered some of the pro-green medical professionals! But i will never feel bad, or be mean to someone whose choice was different, because i am comfortable in the knowledge that i did the best i could with what i had.

And that is how we close the divide and end the bad feeling - informed decisions, support and understanding, and no more name calling (we are parents now, after all!).

More navel gazing, sort of.

2010-12-04T23:45:00.001Z

After much re-reading and thought i have come to the conclusion that i have found it so difficult to post because this blog isnt really honest.

Bear with me.

I havent lied - im not really the type of person who can lie. Its just that this blog hasnt been true to the real me. I think ive been writing as the person (or, i suppose, parent) i want to be. Having an ideal to aspire to is a good thing but im not there yet, not anywhere near. I do sometimes laugh when i shouldnt, give my kids the wrong response or get cross and raise my voice (though i am working hard on that, and i think im doing pretty well).

What im trying to say is that hopefully, as i get more comfortable and confident, the tone of the posts will change and i will feel that i am able to be more open. I want to get used to this and be able to post more often.

Even so, i had all but decided that i was going to stop writing this blog - im not your big and massively popular mum-blog, there are a select few who follow me (each and every one of whom i love for their support) - so there arent a lot of people to miss my ramblings.

But (sorry, you dont get off that easily) someone i have only met once but have a deep respect for commented on Twitter to me that she liked my blog. I was surprised (as i always am when someone genuinely likes something ive done) and i got to thinking.... maybe i shouldn't give up, but should open myself up a bit more and put a bit more of myself 'out there'. What is the worst that could happen? A bad comment? I can delete them, no bother!

The final push for this post was this: "I like your blog. I'm (clearly) not a very regular reader, and I've only been reading for a little while, but as a still fairly new mum I like to hear about your thoughts about parenting and your experiences. Now I'm back at work I don't get to see my mummy-friends so often, so it's a bit like having a virtual mummy-friend..."

Sarah, i dont know you but im touched by your comment. I can do better and i will. And hopefully you will all stick around to see me do it xx

Hungry?

2010-12-02T02:31:00.002Z

You've got to love the way children's minds work, they can come out with the funniest things....

Manic came in the other day, to keep me company and watch tv, as the children often do at the weekend. He sat next to me, waiting patiently for his hug as i was feeding Astroboy. Inquisitive as ever he started asking me questions about breast feeding. As my excitement at his interest grew i answered him honestly, explaining so he could understand. All the while my mind rushing 'this is great, fantastic, a natural interest, he'll be a great support should he ever become a father'.

The conversation went a much like this;

M - Mummy, does it hurt to feed baby Astro?

Me - Not now, no. It did hurt a little bit at first, while we were both getting used to it, but its fine now.

M - How does the milk get from your tummy to your booby?

Me - It doesnt hun. When Astro gets hungry he sucks my nipple and then my booby knows he is hungry, and it makes milk to feed him. The milk comes out through the nipple when he sucks and he swallows it, and it makes him grow big and strong - just like you.

M - Did you feed all of us like that?

Me - All of you had milk from me but not all for the same time. Do you remember me feeding Chickin, or Princess? You were a lot smaller then and you used to copy me - once at playgroup you lifted your t-shirt up and breast fed a dolly right in front of everyone!

M - Really?

Me - It was very cute and all the other Mummy's wanted to keep you, they all said you were so sweet! I wont ever forget it.

M - I am very special, arent i Mum.

Me - Yes, you are.

M - (getting up to go - he gets bored quickly) Can i just say one more thing Mum?

Me - (so proud of M and pleased as punch he had taken such an interest) Of course you can!

M - Did you know your nipple looks just like the end of a sausage?

Im quite glad he left there cos how do you answer that!
I guess Astro must get hot dog flavoured milk ;)

Good news/bad news?

2010-12-02T02:04:00.002Z

I had my appointment last week with the Muscular-skeletal diagnostics team. I finally, finally got my x-rays! After eleven weeks of pushing, requesting and being shipped from pillar to post we seem to have landed with a group of people who not only know what they are doing and are good at it, but (almost as important) care too.

The staff at this hospital were friendly, courteous, helpful and knowledgeable. Although i was nervous - i didnt know what to expect, and after Husbands epic organisation fail i had noone with me, except Astroboy - i actually had nothing to fear.

The consultant was lovely, actually listened to the answers i gave him and put me right at ease. We spoke for ten minutes or so before i was whisked off to x-ray, relieved to finally feel taken seriously. The x-rays themselves were painful and awkward but the team members of the dept did their best to be quick. The consultant got the pictures right away and make no fuss when i asked to see them.

I had mixed results from the x-rays. On the positive side, i definitely have SPD and not DSP. Also, the movement within my pelvis, while awful, isnt the dire kind which would require surgery (thankyouthankyouthankyou up there), and thirdly, the gap seems to be closing and is now about 12mm.

The only dark speck on my gleaming results was that the x-ray only caused the Doc further concern regarding damage to my spine. He has ordered a scan, which i should have before (or very soon after) Christmas, the results of which will dictate my treatment plan which we will discuss at my next appt at the end of January.

I came away from this hospital so much lighter, the relief of the good news was a tangible weight lifted from me. Unfortunately, the concern for my spine, as well as the fragile state of my pelvis, means im still stuck in bed.

Still, ive found coping with the bedrest more difficult than ever this last few days, with the snow - my absolute best ever weather - and the fast approaching festivities all making me itch to be up and doing things.

Want to hear something sad and pretty pathetic? Tough, its my blog.

Im going to miss Christmas in my own house. The tree, which i usually put up and decorate on Dec 1st, i wont even get to see.
I will be stuck here with only Astroboy and a plate of food while everyone enjoys Christmas dinner around the table downstairs. And while i know Husband and Mother-In-Law are doing their best to make me feel included, it wont change that i will miss the best bits.
I cant attend the family get-togethers, i wont see the children's faces when they see the tree (which FC's elves add to each year) and the gifts on Christmas morning. I wont be able to make them the breakfast they only get once a year (whatever they choose with no restrictions).
It would be stupid, selfish,and possibly a little dangerous of me to insist they come up here, this room is pretty small and crammed with furniture. Just because i have cabin fever, doesnt mean they all should too.

I'll just have to do what i always do. I'll put a brave face on, make the most of what ive got and start planning it to be a whole lot better next year!

2010-12-02T01:27:00.004Z

There is something about this page which makes my mind empty itself of all the ideas i had, subject matters i was sure you would all find fascinating.

I think its a loss of confidence, more than ideas. I honestly dont see what anybody could find interesting about my thoughts, ideas, whatever. Its not that i think im bad, or below par, just that im only me - average, normal (mostly), the type of person who 'just gets on with it'.

I suppose my crappy pelvis and larger than usual family are a point to note but they dont define me. At least i hope im more than that, i strive to be.

Im not quite sure of the point of this really, apologies if its crap. I think i need to let go a bit so i can post more often and more freely. I'll have a product review to do soon, (squeak of excitement) and i want to do my best.

Feel free to give a (gentle, i am fragile) kick up the backside and do tell me to get over myself and quit being so introspective!

TIA xx

A big change - for the better.

2010-11-24T10:20:00.000Z

Parenting. The single most challenging, heartbreaking and rewarding career going. Tragically underpaid and under-appreciated but the bonuses are immeasurable.

Id like to think that the parents who care, who truly put their children first and parent those kids with all their time, patience, energy and soul, are in the majority. Ive certainly found more and more of them recently - even on Facebook! Groups of parents who really throw themselves into being the very best they can be, and not only that but they help others too. Two groups i feel i have to mention are 'The Leaky b@@b', incredible warmth, support and wisdom - mostly about breastfeeding but really a wealth of knowledge in there, and 'Peaceful Parenting' on every aspect of raising your child as gently and peacefully and supportively as possible.( Also, from a Fathers perspective, i recommend every parent read Single Dad Laughing's blog post here http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html ).

I must admit i dont contribute to these groups very often, but i read them daily, as well as all the links to information and blog posts they put up. And ive noticed a change in myself, i think partly from the experiences ive had, having to miss out on much of the day to day things most parents take for granted, but also from having become something of a spectator.

I have always thought i was a fairly good parent. Maybe not the best, but i believed i was doing my best. Firm boundaries, strict routine, loving but authoritative parents, thats what children need so thats what i was. And to most people i think, it seemed to work. My children are (for the most part - they are still kids!) polite, respectful and well behaved. Not a bad job done, id have said.

And yet, i was always stressed. Always shouting and exhausted. I certainly didn't feel as close to my children as i wanted to be - my vision of long cuddles, building tents from the furniture and nurturing strong, independent thinking people wasn't happening. I couldnt see it but i was stuck in a rut - so determined to stay in charge i was saying no for the sake of it without even realising.

Husband, late to the game (I already had Dreamer and Manic before we met) followed my lead. Louder and perhaps a little aggressive, he adopted my parenting style. All seemed well, until i was taken out of the game.

Sitting up here, being outside listening in i started to hear myself, and Husband from the children's perspective. It made me cringe. Was that really how i spoke to them? Was it really necessary to give that child a consequence (our version of discipline) for that? How is shouting actually helping to get that point across? Oh my Lord, are our children.... afraid of us?

If you listen really carefully - that is the sound of my heart breaking as my world falls down around me. We are breaking our children.

So. Something has to change and it has to come from us. After reading and seeing so much love and such a gentler way to do things, i can see what we have to do. No more shouting. No more sarcastic comments. We need to really think about whether its worth letting them try something before cutting them off with a 'No'. We dont have to give up our routine or our boundaries, but we do need to listen, to engage with them and talk about things instead of always expecting them to blindly follow - after all, they do have brains, we want them to learn to use them and make good decisions in their lives.

Husband and i have talked. Every second we could snatch together has been spent discussing the way we parent our herd. I have researched and researched, read until i was quite sure information was falling out my ears, and ive condensed it and fed it on to Husband for him to digest.

We dont want to hurt or break our children, we thought we were doing our best and we simply didn't know any better. We honestly thought that our day filled with battles was a normal part of raising our family, and maybe there lies the problem - for most families it is normal.

We have both realised that we were damaging our family, and made the choice to change. So last Friday we sat everybody down in my room and explained as much as we thought they could take in. A fresh start, a new way of handling things, most importantly no more shouting or aggression.

We have been trying this new approach for a only a week so far, so we are still new to it. But oh, the difference we have seen in our house has astounded us, even in such a short time. The herd, as a whole seem so much calmer. Dreamers' confidence, something he always struggled with, has improved greatly, Manic is still manic - thats just how he is but he is a calmer, much less aggressive Manic. Princess has not had a tantrum once, because she has not felt hard done by once - every situation we have encountered with her we have talked her through it and she can now see why she cannot say, or do, or have what she wanted.

But the greatest change has been in Chickin. She might be only 2 but she is very clever (i mean the level of a three and a half to four year old) and understands a lot more than you might give her credit for. She has really opened up. She has stopped being quite such a Husband-limpet and has started to trust me again.

Ive come to realise, Love isnt yelling. Love is patience and warmth and always being available. Not making them fit you, but you learning with them and bending yourself to allow them to grow. Maybe easier to say in the very beginning when we've not yet hit any hurdles. But it feels so much more natural, so much more what i had always dreamed my family would be. I looked, the night before last, at my bed - filled with sleeping children (Husband was in Chickens bed to make room for them all!) and i felt at home.

Most of all this gentler way of parenting, it just feels right.

I feel strongly, oh so strongly....

2010-11-20T23:04:00.002Z

Its not often i get het up about something. Especially when it comes to parenting - unless someone is doing something terrible, my view is 'their kids, their decision'.

How you feed your baby is a pretty hot topic, and people can have surprisingly strong opinions. Me, i mostly stick with my normal view, trusting that my lovely friends (and they are lovely) have considered the options and chosen what is best for them. I respect their choices and aim to help any way i can, as a good friend should, and in return they support me too.

Personally, i choose to breastfeed over using bottles. That isnt to say i have never given any of my children a bottle, but just that i gave breastfeeding a damn good try before i did.
I think, in an ideal world that would be the norm. Breast would be seen as the normal, natural way to feed a baby and bottles would be seen as a backup plan.

'But wait!' I hear you say, 'Isnt breast seen as the normal, natural way then?'

Sadly, it often isnt. By 6 months only 1 in five babies are still breastfed. There are, of course, many reasons for this statistic, but today im going to focus on one - pressure.

One of my proudest achievements as a Mum was feeding Princess for a year. I loved that year, the closeness, the bond. We had a tricky start but by about 6 weeks we were well on our way and we never looked back. I still miss that closeness - nothing is ever quite the same as that.

You may well wonder why i stopped then. The answer is simple - gradual withdrawal of support which was then replaced by pressure to give up. I think it started around ten months. Little questions, making me feel it had gone on too long - 'how much longer', 'you wont still be feeding her when she can walk will you?', 'doesnt it feel weird that she can speak now' and so on.
Back then, i was far more reliant on the validation of others than i am now and was considerably less well informed. I didn't know of anybody who had fed for as long as i had, and only vaguely knew that some 'hippy types' fed their children til school age and older, and to be honest at the time i thought that was a little bit weird. Like i said, considerably less well informed.

I sobbed, i really sobbed the night before Princess' first birthday, after giving her her last booby. In fact i welled up every time i felt my milk let down over the next few days. I dearly wanted to grab her up and put her to my chest and have that wonderful loving feeling one more time. Sadly, she never provided me with an excuse, finding her new sippy cup and bottle of cows milk far more entertaining. And i was too scared of being labelled a weirdo to follow what my heart knew was the very best thing.

Now, stronger willed (stubborn) and far better informed and connected and supported, i fully intend to feed Astroboy until he decides its time to stop. I wont be pressured, i wont be bullied and i wont stop til the time is right for him.

I wish every breastfeeding Mum could have the strength and conviction, and support i have now. Sadly we are surrounded and outnumbered by misinformed, perverse or even nasty people who decide our feeding is their business. Ive heard breastfeeding called 'dirty', ive even seen it branded 'sexual and therefore a form of child abuse'! These ignorant rantings only serve to make women who are doing the very best for their children feel alienated.

The mis-informed can be politely re-educated. A sweet smile and a quick feeding fact (such as The world Health Organisation states that 'A lack of exclusive breastfeeding during the first six months of life contributes to over a million avoidable child deaths each year'.) will usually silence the well meaning commenter, though of course there will always be one who needs more than that.

There will always be some people who see breasts as purely sexual objects, and i feel sorry for these people, as they will never know the closeness you achieve knowing that not only have you grown this baby from a seed and brought it into this world yourself, but that your body is also capable of sustaining this life for 6, 12, 18 months and longer!
Luckily for us, in this country our right to breastfeed, and to do it where ever we need to is protected. Being asked to leave a public place to feed elsewhere is now an illegal act. So then, we can nourish our children whenever they need it, in any public domain.

But what about online domains? The legality of us feeding our children is well established - it is not a sexual act - there is (usually, especially in public) no nudity involved. In fact, a lot of people would walk passed a feeding Mother without even realising they were doing so!

So, what if a public website was systematically targeting breastfeeding Mums. Actively pursuing and discriminating against those women with perfectly legal pictures of their feeding infants or children and actually deleting, not just the pictures but groups and user accounts as well? What if this website ignored barely dressed teens and topless men, in some cases completely naked people whose genitals were only covered by strategically placed objects? Quite the double standard, im sure you will agree!

Well, it isnt a hypothetical situation. This is happening every day on Facebook!
Members are having their groups, personal photos and accounts removed for what the Facebook administrators have decided is 'obscene'.

Well yes, because we all know how dangerous lactating breasts are!

There is nothing obscene about nourishing a child! When a feed is taking place very little of the breast can actually be seen, a lot less than is visible through a white t-shirt or in a bikini! Is facebook dashing forth and removing all photos of bikini clad females? Are they heck, because that kind of image, one that actually is sexualised (and of no use to anyone other than advertisers and teen-aged boys) is perfectly acceptable in this poorly prioritised, intensively commercial society we live in.

As far as i know, Facebook has declined to comment or to justify their actions. Why the National Press hasn't picked this up i have no idea, but i am trying to find out.

One thing which springs to mind is those annoying little ads which appear down the side of every page on Facebook. Those advertisers pay for the privilege of being deleted from your feed. Arent an awful lot of them for formula, or formula related products or groups? Ever noticed that? I have. Got to wonder just how much of the Facebook Income is covered by those ads.

Im encouraging any and every person i know to join the protest feed-ins being held on Facebook, whether they are still feeding or not, have children or not, just to show through sheer numbers that we wont be pressured. And anyone who feels strongly enough about the victimisation of breastfeeding parents i urge you to follow this link http://www.bbc.co.uk/watchdog/gotastory/ and bring this outrage to the attention of the media.

Your, breastfeeder and proud, P,I xxx

Post the damn post, woman!

2010-11-17T08:56:00.000Z

Nope, its just not happening. Trying to write what i want to get down... its not coming out right.

I shall continue beating myself over the head til it either makes sense, or i stop caring and just post it anyway! ;)

Been a while...

2010-11-15T16:49:00.001Z

Helloo! Sorry ive not been here much, im finding it a bit tricky to find much to say that could be interesting enough for you to read!

''Hello, today i woke up, sat in bed all day, fed the baby nine million and twelve times, got sicked on eight million and five times, napped twice for about ten minutes, wasted about two hours (all together) on random websites, had a salad for lunch and am now waiting for my tea''

Not the height of excitement, is it?

Still, i feel i ought to write something. But what? Not a lot is happening treatment-wise for me at the moment, we are waiting on some appointments. It is Husbands birthday today, but for obvious reasons we've not been able to arrange to do anything, i cant even make the poor guy a cake. The herd are all fine, getting on with life, growing and changing unfairly fast. Its all just a bit normal really (at least, what passes for it in this house!).

Well, i guess there is one spark of excitement for me - ive started to find my passion for creating poking its head out of the mental sand again. It started when i was looking for some Christmas stockings for the herdlings, ive avoided getting any really nice last-forever ones before now, not knowing if we had finished adding to the family. I do like things to match, or at least co-ordinate, so getting a stocking here and there is out of the question!

So, long story long, ive been perusing the handmade item type websites and ive not really found anything that has particularly caught me, or left me happy to pay for (i have my budget and im tight with it). But it slowly occurred to me, i have a fully functioning sewing machine downstairs, one i cried with delight after being given, and its gathering dust! Why am i not filling a bit of my lengthy time by drawing up and making the herdlings' stockings myself? Im perfectly capable - in fact i can do more than that, i can get a head start on the Christmas Decorations! Bit 'o bunting, a few ornaments for the tree (i have a whole crapload of wadding)....

Now, where's my sketchpad.....

Every cloud....

2010-11-01T02:59:00.008Z

I think ive said before, somewhere, that i believe in the Silver Lining. No matter how thin, or hard to see, that lining is there in that big dark cloud and that is what you must try to focus on. It is what will get you through to the next day, it will stop you from becoming a bitter, angry, resentful person. It will save you.

People have asked me 'How do you cope?' 'How do you manage to stay cheerful?'. The answer is simple. Its that little sparkle of silver, that tiny piece of reflected light. You keep looking til you find it and you grab it, hard, with both hands and you dont let that sucker go until the cloud has passed.

Since 'getting' SPD, being stuck here on bedrest, and being in varying degrees of constant pain, ive learned a lot. About myself, my priorities, my family and my friends. About how i see the world and who i am as a person and a parent. Thats some deep shit. But its true.

Ive made a sort of list, (i like lists - they help make some sense of the tangle of threads that passes for my brain) and I'll go with the cloud first, just to depress you, then i'll show you my silver - all the positives that have, so far, come from this experience. It doesnt matter to me which list is longer, because its the second list that counts, thats the one i will carry forward with me as i recover from this, and on as life becomes a new kind of normal.

Isolation.

Bed rest is lonely. Your bedroom is the inner sanctum of your home and not a place your guests usually see. Up here i feel almost forgotten during the day - three of the children are at school, Husband is downstairs seeing to the house and trying to keep Chickin entertained, its really just me and Astroboy. I have a tv, and the computer and even my phone but its startling how alone i can feel. I'll be lucky if Husband can manage to grab 15 minutes with me from the time we all get up to when the children go to bed.

Hygiene

Oh yes, this is delightful, really. Since the first time my pelvis went i have had two baths and two showers, that is in about 8 weeks. Of course, i wash, but i dont feel clean. A flannel and soapy water hasn't a patch on a nice long soak with bubbles, and the ipod and maybe even a candle. Ive always been paranoid of having body odour, just ask Husband how much anti-perspirant i use! But you would be amazed at how sweaty you can get sat here doing nothing. At this rate i'll need a tub to stand in and a pressure washer to hose me off in order to feel clean!

Boredom

Without much human interaction to keep my brain ticking im finding myself increasingly bored. I can visit forums and text people but it isnt the same. The monotony of caring for, and feeding a 7 week old baby becomes a weight, without distraction or interruption. There isnt enough time to start reading a book (and i find breast feeding to be two handed job most of the time anyway) or to take up a hobby (Astroboy is a 'little and often' feeder). Napping can pass a little time but it isnt very productive.

Pain

Besides the pain i already feel (over what relief the pain killers bring) it is now added to by new aches and ouches caused by staying in more or less the same position for a long time. My back, ribs and neck are sore from sleeping semi-upright and from not being able to move about and get a proper good stretch. Not to mention my coccyx, where my pelvis has opened so much i am now sat squarely on this poor little bone and boy is my backside sore.

Relationship

Wow, I never would have thought something so (relatively) simple as a pregnancy could affect relationships so deeply. Husband now has to help me dress (when i do), bring me food and drink - i am basically dependant on him - something that is incredibly hard for me, given that i would describe myself as 'fiercely independent'. And, on a more personal note, this has had a devastating effect on our intimacy.

Imagine the weight of being everything to four children. Not only that but having a quite suddenly disabled wife to care for. Then all the responsibility for the house falls to you too. Its a pretty hard wake up call, and a lot for one person to take on. Husband has had to do a lot of growing up in a very short space of time, and he is all worn out, the poor bloke.

Not only has the relationship with Husband been affected. My children have suffered too, all of them in different ways have had to give up, go without and make do because i just cant do those Mummy things any more. I think though, that this has been hardest on Chickin. She was only 18 months old when the SPD started affecting me, i was her whole world then. She followed me everywhere and we were together every waking moment. I was the only person she would settle for at bedtime and i loved how close we were. Then, out of nowhere, Mummy couldnt pick her up. Not long after that Mummy's tummy got big and she couldnt snuggle on my lap any more. Soon it was too painful to have her on me at all. To her it must have felt like rejection, and so cruel. It matters not how much you try to explain, to a child that young, all she knows is what she can see.

Friendships

Ive always been a 'quality over quantity' person when it comes to friends. Still though, i would have counted maybe ten people as close friends before this all happened. Of those ten, there are maybe three i would still be able to look in the eye and call friend. The others have vanished. In the eight months since i stopped being able to leave the house under my own steam, only those three have kept/returned contact.

Feelings

This is where i close up. I hate moaning, feeling sorry for myself and drawing attention to myself. When asked 'How are you' my answer will almost always be 'Fine'. I dont do myself any favours by being this way though - make out you are ok for long enough and people will forget that you aren't.

Being a mother and watching yourself become redundant is awful. From being the go-to person to really not much more than a burden, a lump in the corner, is pretty hard. Ive felt useless as ive been able to do less and less. Powerless and vulnerable at times too. Now, being dependant and incapable its hard to get through the day without becoming frustrated and angry.

You can almost get used to a base level of constant pain, its a hum that never goes away and it becomes part of the soundtrack of your day. This is dangerous because you almost forget how much has changed, ive done it - woken up and forgotten im like this - and tried to turn over or sit up, causing myself more pain or embarrassment. I guess somewhere in my head im still the normal, capable me. Actually, i think thats a good thing.

Guilt

Ive often joked that being a parent comes with more guilt than being a catholic. The weight of guilt can be hard to bear. Friends tell me i shouldn't blame myself, i had no way of knowing the SPD would be like this, and it isnt my fault that it happened. I guess they are right, to an extent - but i think as a Mum, you take a piece of your family's pain and wear it yourself anyway. It becomes part of you after a while and it builds your sense of protectiveness - you want to prevent that pain from ever hurting them again.

I feel plenty of guilt. My family have suffered because of me. I was the selfish one who had to have another child, to fill some perceived hole, satisfy some need. I wasn't grateful enough for the four amazing, wonderful children i had been blessed with. I needed more.

At times ive felt i deserved the physical pain, payment for my greed, for changing everything, for being selfish. Astroboys pregnancy was the only one i didn't enjoy, and i thought i deserved that loss as well. Adamant that he wouldn't suffer too, i refused pain relief throughout the whole pregnancy, right up until that first crack. A 'small' risk of him coming to harm just wasn't good enough, i wanted him and i should protect him, even if i had already failed everyone else.

Depressing, huh? That folks is my cloud. Or, as much of it as i can bear to show here. Now to the good bit, the bit we hold on to....

Ive learned that Husband loves me, beyond all doubt, really loves me and that my family are far and away the most important thing in my life - Ive known those things all along of course, but to have them reinforced so strongly and deeply has been an education.

Being away from the busy part of the house has afforded me a kind of retreat status. One of the children will come up to see me and we will have some really good quality, one-on-one time together.

Without the concerns of housework and day to day running of the house i can afford the children my total concentration and because of it they are becoming more relaxed and more confident.

I wont to make sure i never treat my children as burdens (something i think we all accidentally do from time to time when we are stressed), - i want them to know, always, that they are loved and valued.

Ive found a depth of patience i never knew i had.

I am able to concentrate on my breastfeeding relationship with Astroboy, and together we have mastered the tricky boob!

Being on a crapload of painkillers has had the side effect of drastically reducing my appetite. Im no longer constantly hungry and have gotten used to smaller portion sizes. Im also making healthier choices in what i eat.

As a family, i feel we are closer now. Not just those inside our house but extended family too. Everyone has pitched in and helped where they can and its made Husband and me feel so loved.

I have a new appreciation of Husband. I no longer panic that should the worst happen they will all perish under the washing pile/look like street urchins/die of scurvy. He has grown up a lot and, though still evil for the first half hour after waking, he has shown what an amazing husband and father he can be.

We have a new life among us, new love in our home, a fresh new person to mould and cherish. Amazingly, there has been no jealousy or resentment toward Astroboy, and i am so proud of my children for that. They all simply love him.

This, is my piece of silver x

Please feel free to comment, ask any questions or even suggest topics for future posts.

My Herd.

2010-10-24T19:51:00.003+01:00

Afternoon peeps.

Really not in the mood for revisiting my hospital trips today, im in enough pain without focusing on it. That'll teach me to try having a bath! I'll get around to sharing the rest of the story soon, just not today.

Ive decided to introduce you to my family instead. Id like to think that its obvious that im using nicknames here.

Husband (aka Captain Cheerful when he's Got A Face On)
Two years my junior, and a complete child. This is a good thing (mostly) as i was born a 90yr old, so we balance each other out. Very handsome, i mean, wow, those eyes make me melt.

He gets his way far too often by using that puppy dog expression. Bastard.
Has a short temper, and certainly NOT a morning person! Loves cars, racing, basically anything testosterone fuelled and motor related. Snores at roughly the volume of a jack-hammer. Would ideally be allowed to sleep 18 hours a day, and just be waited on the other 6 hours.
Usually bread winner, but currently stay at home dad/cleaner/chef etc as he is picking up my slack and doing everything i cant do at the moment.

First born - Day dreamer
Ten year old boy with a heart of gold. Kind, helpful and polite. The kind of kid who gets positive comments from the grannies on the bus. Quite quiet, likes to keep himself to himself. Still loves a kiss and a hug from his old Mum.
Way too bossy to his siblings, is quietly confident he knows way more than us, and is rarely available due to being in a world of his own. I feel for him, the poor kid, cos he is my learning curve and the one i make the worst parenting mistakes with. He's a credit to himself really that he is so normal!

Second born - Manic (aka Slightly Odd)
Seven year old boy, who is very smart. Quite a popular kid who makes friends easily, very confident and laid back, adores his siblings but most of all his big brother. Very observant and cheeky.
Can be a bit lazy, cries a bit too easily and is just a little bit odd. He frequently leaves Husband and I looking rather confused at his random comments. Really a very sweet and genuine kid.

Third born - Princess (aka The Whinge)
Five year old girl. First daughter, very scary! Incredibly pretty and she knows it. In true daughter fashion she has Husband wrapped around her little finger. Prone to tantrums. She is very cuddly and tactile and is often found in our bed as of the wee hours of the morning. Can be quite selfish and pretty unwilling to help out (unless there is something in it for her). Sadly she has a weak bladder so to her absolute horror still wets sometimes. Has a very bright future on stage and screen - trust me, this kid is working on an Oscar already!

Fourth born - Gobshite (aka Chickin)
Two year old super-genius daughter. Far too smart for her own good, also has Husband at her beck and call. Has mastered conversation, reverse psychology and getting what she wants. Very cute, and startlingly observant. Hates bedtimes, loves baths and anything water related. Its her life's mission to make every surface in this house either questionably sticky or covered in crumbs.

Last one - Astroboy
Currently 6 weeks old. Breast fed, breast obsessed little cutie. Quite literally never beyond my reach, sleeps on my tummy/snuggled in next to me. Laughs in his sleep and generally melts the hearts of all who meet him. Has inherited Husbands long chimp-like arms and legs so is outgrowing babygrows at a rate of knots! I call him my little bear because he grunts and snorts like a bear, and is also quite hairy.

Me.
The Mum. Currently Parent-in-reserve due to being bed bound (working on changing that). Genuinely believe that every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how small or hard to see. Always try to see the best in people, and a bit naive. Terribly forgetful and very self-judgemental - there is noone harder for me to please than myself, though im pretty easy going when it comes to others. Obviously, i think my kids are the best kids ever, as do most parents, though im not daft enough to think they're perfect (hahahahaha!). Quite a strict Mum, and a bit of a food Nazi (when it comes to the kids, of course it doesnt apply to Mummy).
Odd sense of humour, i'll laugh at the most inappropriate things cos i get these cartoon images in my head - this gets me in trouble a lot. Love my kids more than anything but refuse to let them be the only focus in my life. Im still a person too!

Just to add, i realise the blocks of text can be a bit boring, im working on adding some pictures.

Thats it for now. Hopefully you'll get to know (and love) us as we go along.

TTFN :D

This will be long...

2010-10-15T01:29:00.003+01:00

Argh! So much to say, i dont know really where to start...

Ohhh, im going with an explanation of the blog name and the (long) story behind it.

Other options suggested for the blog were

Pelvic Thrust
Hip to be Square
SPD and Me

(Thanks Nickie at http://typecast2000.blogspot.com/ for the suggestions :D )

Sooooo, my pelvis. We aren't on good terms, i have to say. Currently i am on bed rest (and a hefty concoction of pain killers), as i have rather severe SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, sometimes called Pelvic Girdle Pain).

The short explanation is that my pelvis now has the structural integrity of grannys knicker elastic.

For a longer, more precise description see http://www.pelvicinstability.org.uk/index.asp .

I wasn't always a cripple (im allowed to call myself one, in an attempt at humour), i used to be a pretty effective wife and mother. School run, a mile each way? No problem. Sweeping the floor? Already done it. Putting my pants on by myself? Ha! I laugh in the face of underpants!

All those daily tasks you do on autopilot, getting on with it, i just cant do anymore. I haven't been able to for 6 months.

It started 12 weeks into my last pregnancy. I noticed an odd feeling in my hips like they were loose in the sockets, which was followed by shooting pains down my thighs. I had suspicions it was SPD as id had similar (but milder) sensations at the end of pregnancy number 4, and the midwife and i had discussed the possibility of a pelvic issue but thankfully Lottie was born soon after.

I arranged referral to physio. The appointment wasn't a resounding success. I got the time wrong, we were late, this meant i only got seen for ten minutes and i never managed to get another appointment. Still, i listened carefully to what the physio had said and followed these instructions throughout the pregnancy - the correct way to get out of bed, the wearing of an exceptionally attractive support belt, not doing chores which involved swinging the hips (sweeping floor, pushing shopping trolley etc) and so on.

Despite my efforts the pain i was in got steadily worse and my ability to do, well, pretty much everything, got less and less. By the 36th week of my pregnancy it was all i could do to get out of bed, wash and get downstairs to the sofa. I was in constant pain and could only hobble short distances, standing only for a few minutes at a time. We were offered pain relief but after talking it through declined as the odds of it harming the baby were too high. To my mind if anyone was going to suffer it should be me (the Mum) not the baby.

I dont regret that decision at all but i think it may have given people a false perspective of just how much pain i was in. On the hyperbole and a half pain scale (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html ) i probably looked a three, but i felt about a six.

Forward on to 27th September (week 37 of pregnancy). The girls have woken early and seem to have misplaced their concept of volume control. So, being the lovely, giving, kind-hearted wife and mother (and cursed light sleeper) that i am, i decide i will take the girls downstairs, put the tv on and doze til its time for everyone to get up. Also, then Husband will totally owe me and i can have a nap in the afternoon.

So, i turn over (ouch), swing my feet down as i push my self up (urgh) and finally get upright (yay me!). Then i make the tragic mistake of trying to stand. As i slowly raise myself off the bed i hear a stomach-churning 'CRACK' come from the front of my pelvis, and all manner of pain is set free. I promptly collapse on the end of the bed, unable to move, and begin to sob (pain scale rating 7-8). Husband, in his sleep coma, reaches over and pats my head a little before resuming sleep. It takes several more minutes of me snotting on the duvet for him to realise this is possibly more than an attack of the hormones. This is the conversation which followed:

Husband - Are you all right?

Me - No!

H - Oh, well, what do you want me to do, call an ambulance?

Me- Yes!

Bless Husband, ive never seen him spring from bed (his favourite place in the whole world) so fast, and duly he called the Ambulance.

*In Husbands defence, i usually require being left alone if i feel upset, until i get a handle on myself, and genuinely have an aversion to making a fuss and being the centre of attention, so it wasn't *technically* spousal neglect to leave me crying, but only a sleep-loving mans attempt at appeasing the rotund mess of hormone vaguely resembling his wife.

Next instalment - getting to hospital, hospital and 'its a baybeeee'.

First Post!

2010-10-12T01:42:00.000+01:00

Hello! Its lovely to meet you, thanks for popping in.
I'll start by telling you a little about myself - im 28, married and i have 5 children.
Yes, 5!

All i ever wanted was to be a Mum, and to have a big family. I know i am very fortunate to say i got my wish.

It certainly hasn't been without a price though and that is what has prompted me to start this blog, my fifth (and final) pregnancy has physically cost me a great deal and i needed somewhere to offload, vent and explore my thoughts - somewhere to play out all the crap in my head really. It wont be doom and gloom forever, i promise - i do get tired of hearing myself complain so you wont be leaving here after each new post with your will to live in tatters on the floor (at least, i hope not!).

So there you are, best i can do at this hour. Here is hoping the spirit of eloquence and interestingness (i reserve the right to invent words as i see fit) visit during the night!

Pelvis, Interrupted (and stuff).

Big Day Out!

Questions and answers.

Meet the herd, take two.

Sunscreen!

Silent Sunday.

GERMS!

Twat relief!

What is *your* problem?!

An open letter to Wayne Rooney

Compare my day...

One of those days.

Dear So and So

Think think think.

Good news/bad news?

Why Peppa Pig Must Die

Moments..

Quick catch-up

A day of events

Silent Sunday.

Plans for the future (aka World Domination).

Mourning?

All nekkid and up close-like.

Im in for another telling off

Thankyou

Getting my (l)activist on!

Dear So and So

New Hair!

My baby.

Its all in the definition.

Ella's Kitchen review

Heartbreak!

Silent Sunday. Awesome baby.

Yellow hats and green hats.

More navel gazing, sort of.

Hungry?

Good news/bad news?

A big change - for the better.

I feel strongly, oh so strongly....

Post the damn post, woman!

Been a while...

Every cloud....

My Herd.

This will be long...

First Post!

What is your problem?!