Dear So and So

Dear Advertisers at large, it has become clear to me that many of you think we are stupid.  Please see below.


Dear Aptamil advertisers,
 Im sorry but wtf? Who wears a scarf outside their coat? Oh, yes thats right, no one. Id imagine the gaping space between the scarf and the childs neck makes the scarf really more of a decorative item. Except arent decorative items meant to spruce things up and make then look better, not stupid?


Dear crisp manufacturers (namely Quavers and Skips), 
 I understand that in this current financial climate everyone is trying to save money and find ways to spend less on stuff. Really, i get it. Im guessing you guys decided the quickest way to retain profit without upping prices would be to change the way you flavour your product a little, maybe use something a bit cheaper? Fair enough, thats cool, i see where you are coming from. After all you have employees depending on you, we dont want any sackings going on!
Well... except for maybe one guy. The guy who decided onion is a great flavour alternative for a prawn cocktail and a cheese flavoured product. Yeah, that guy is stupid and should really be sacked because the last two multi-packs of Quavers and Skips we bought* i couldnt eat a single crisp for the overpowering onion flavour.
 Ick.


Dear make-up and hair product manufacturers,
 Id like to clear something up. It has become staggeringly clear to me that you neither believe your products are 'worth it' nor that your customers have any discernible intellect. Perhaps i should qualify - if your product is so frickin fantastic that it really is worth that much money, then why do you need to use fake eyelashes/professionally-styled-to-within-an-inch-of-their-lives supermodels/ computer trickery to make it look good?
 Yeah, exactly.


Dear time,
Please quit sucking so much. Id really appreciate it if on a Tuesday morning when i have exactly three hours to myself, you could stop haring past in the blink of an eye so i could actually get something of some use accomplished. 
 Also, when i am bored brainless and dying for the kids to be home id love if you could quit dragging your heels.
 Not much to ask, so i totally expect next Tuesday morning to take all day, ok? Thanks.


Dear Housing people.
 I love you guys. Did i mention how totally awesome your hair looks today? Seriously, have you lost weight? I mean it, you are all amazing.
Now please sort out our constantly flooding front garden which makes our entire living space fill with black mould (mmm healthy). 
 Actually, as we are officially overcrowded and all our well made plans to move into private rental are screwed now that im all crippled and shit, id really be impressed if you could find us another place to live. It would make life easier for the workmen too, cos then they could fix that front wall/front garden/nasty mould stuff in an empty house with no distraction. 
What was that? Yes, 5 bedrooms and a nice big garden would be fantastic, thanks!
 *wakes up* 




*we dont actually buy four multi-packs of crisps in one go, just so you know, we get one a fortnight, so this onion crap has been going on way too long.




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