Thursday, 20 October 2011

Hey guys.
This will be my last post here. I just can't make this place feel right.
I'm sorry to all those who will miss my posting here but i feel like too much has changed, away from here, to be able to continue.
It's not all bad news though, i've started afresh here http://brokensinglemum.blogspot.com/ and i really hope you will all join me xx

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Testing testing... can anybody hear me? 
Ok ok, down in front!


Hi! 
Yes, I know, I did it again. I did the thing where I do a post and you think "Oh God no, she's back Yay! She will start posting again!" and then I disappeared again. 
Sorry about that, things have been kind of tough around here and it's just been too much for me to get the pc on long enough to write a post out.


I *may* extend a little more on this at another point in time but for now I'm just going to say that GH (Grumpy Husband) has since become GE (Grumpy Ex) . 


I will be around more often (I know I said that before), I have a laptop now so once the children are asleep and I am warm in my bed on the sofa, I can turn to you lovely readers and waffle til your eyes bleed you die of boredom  you stab the screen you get bored of me!


Love to you all xx

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Big Day Out!

Today, im pretty sore and very tired but more than that, im proud of myself. Yesterday i pushed myself from the car park to the London Aquarium, 99% round the LA and back to the car park again. The most i have pushed myself in the wheelchair to date. My arms ache but its kind of a nice ache, a you-pushed-yourself-but-not-too-far ache. Its warm and reassuring. Im pretty sure its the belated endorphin high making me so happy but ill take it, thankyou very much!

I was desperate to take the children somewhere, even just on one proper day out this holiday. Im so sick of my pain levels (which have gotten worse, not better) preventing us from living our lives so much. I endeavored to do this trip come what may. Im guessing that tomorrow what may come is bucketloads of pain and self pity but ill deal with that bridge when i have to cross it.

The day in general was brilliant. GH had a few mini meltdowns at the lack of signs as we drove through London and the satnav kept telling us to drive off a bridge to get to the car-park (i kid you not) but we made it there ok. Tommy, Ellie and Father-in-law (from here on 'fil') met up with us under the London Eye as their route on our adventure involved taking the train. 

We got to skip the throng of queuing Sea life enthusiasts as id paid for our tickets in advance (after no small amount of saving and scraping on my part). Id strongly recommend doing so as you get a slight discount and dont have to stand in the rain with excited children. The Aquarium itself is pretty wheelchair friendly, with lifts and fairly wide corridors and big rooms. Its a shame the general public is, at times, not so wheelchair or family friendly! I didn't even try to count the number of times a group barged through ours, separating us. Luckily though, all the children are on board with day-trip behaviour and know to stay close and keep an eye on each other. Well, except Lottie but to give her credit, she did very well. 


One thing i am very proud of - i breastfed John in the Amazon-style part of the aquarium. Nursing in public is something i feel strongly about but can be a bit shy to do at times. Not a soul noticed though, as far as i know, so there was no nasty confrontation to deal with.

The only disappointments of the day were me not being able to see the penguins - they were too popular and despite me waiting for over ten minutes to get to the front of the crowd, people just kept pushing in front and wouldnt let me through, 
the lack of signage at the photograph collection point informing us that that was the place to hand in the childrens treasure hunt forms (they had all got the answers correct and had been assured a prize for doing so by the staff member who gave them to us) which meant they didn't get handed in and they missed out on the much-awaited prize
the fact that the wheelchair-accessibility ended in the gift shop. I was informed i would have to go a fair way back through the aquarium in order to get out. So GH ended up having to bump me down 5 steps, which was pretty rough on me as he was too tired by then to be able to be very gentle.

The very best bit of the day, aside from being able to see the seahorses, rays and the turtle was Lottie on the way back to the car. After we'd said goodbye to Tommy, Ellie and fil to go catch their train, we headed back towards the car, stopped briefly to buy the most expensive waffles known to mankind (seriously, ripped off - we got three and they came to almost £20! Had i known, or been able to see a price anywhere we would have walked right past!) and then Lottie tripped and fell, getting her jumper, dress and leggings muddy. 
I decided then that there was no point trying to save the leggings, which she had almost grown out of, and so we let her go to town on all the massive puddles the rain had created.

That small decision made her day and brought joy to so many others too. Every passer-by who saw her delightedly splooshing and sploshing and stomping through all the mini lakes along the way to the car, caught a bit of her happiness. Id not seen so many smiles and laughs from strangers in a long time. Tourists even stopped to take her picture, not that she noticed - she was having the time of her life!
We ended up having to completely strip her off to put her in the car but she didn't care, she had her blanket to keep her warm. I think that looking back, she may not even remember the fish, but i bet she'll remember those puddles :D 

Being in London was enough for me, i love that place, almost as much as i love Brighton. There is so much to see and do. Living in a village has its perks, but there is such little difference here, so little to do and see and experience. There was art at every turn, a funfair on the way back from the aquarium. I honestly didn't want to leave. I hope we can afford (somehow) to get back there again soon.

.
Hey guys,
I want to thank you all for your patience, sticking around while i had a break from blogging. It wasnt planned and i still dont really understand it but it did me some good because im back, feeling a lot less sorry for myself and eager to bore entertain you all.


So, in that vein, im going to tell you what ive been up to.


Life has been a bit of a mix here, as it is everywhere i guess. GH and i have struggled a lot, together and sometimes not so, to keep our relationship going. Its been a pretty rough patch but i am hoping we are getting through it now. 
John is properly crawling now and is fast approaching his first birthday, but he is still so much a baby to me. All the others were so much more independent and a lot less interested in me and my affection by this age, and im really enjoying getting a baby for a bit longer. Not that he'll stay this way for long, i know, he is already a climber and can cruise the furniture.
We have had birthdays too, Lottie and Ellie are now 3 and 6 respectively. Tommy is preparing for the fast approaching start of the new term at a new school as he is moving up to Secondary.
There has been some friction in the wider family too, some rather ill-thought-out comments and questions regarding my current health and the current 'state' of our relationship have lead to some ill feeling and that isnt easy to get past when your heart is already so full. We are trying though.


Mostly though, it is what it is and we are what we are. I try to keep us all positive, looking forward and working together, all the while supporting my twitter addiction.


Off to write new 'diary style' post now, love to you all xx



Friday, 6 May 2011

Questions and answers.

I was tagged by the lovely and brilliant Imperfect at Imperfect pages (one of my favourite blogs to read and her photos are stunning, give her a try) so as i have a very rare ten minutes alone with the keyboard i thought id give her questions a go!


Which living person do you most admire and why?
I cant think of anyone specific (im sure i will once i hit publish). I guess anyone who gets on with living, who values their children and makes the most of their lot in life.


When were you happiest?
Im pretty happy now, believe it or not, but i think the most simple time in my life was way back when it was just Tom and me, in our flat together. It was just the two of us, in a lovely sun filled flat, surrounded by friends and free to come and go as we pleased. Life was easy and fun.


What was your most embarrassing moment?
Im sure there have been more than i can think of right now, im very clumsy and naive so i make a fool of myself on a regular basis. However the moment which springs to mind was way back when i was about 7 (i think) bursting for the toilet at a friends house i ran up the stairs and in to their bathroom and sat on the loo just in time.... and then realised the lid was down and i had pee'd everywhere (including all over my trousers).


Aside from property what was the most expensive thing you've bought?
It has to be the Phil and Teds Verve. It is also the object i most regret buying, it had problem after problem and they refused point blank to replace or exchange it. In the end they agreed to refurbish it after id spent several months suffering its faults and i sold it on to a lovely childminder on ebay.


What is your most treasured possession?
I dont think i have one really. No, actually the camera, and the computer - they both have lots of photos of the children stored on them.


Where would you like to live?
If i could live anywhere i think id stay in England, but id love to have land. If i ever came into the kind of money you'd need to have what im about to describe (after using some of it to help others and benefit charities) id get a great swathe of forest by the sea and just build us a house near the shore. I actually daydream about this quite a lot.


What is your favourite smell?
How long have you got? I love smelling Johns breath, its all milky. But i love the smell of home baking too, proper home cooked food cant be rivaled for sniff-ability. Also, i love the smell of my perfume which i only wear on special occasions and is the scent i wore on our wedding day. Oh, and Earth Mama Angel Baby's entire range, it all smells delish! And clean washing brought in from the line. 


Who would play you in the film of your life?
I have no idea. Really, who would even want to watch it?!


What is your favourite book?
I love reading, i always have. I have had some of the best times of my life in books and i really hope to pass the passion on to my children. For me though, my most treasured book has to be Desperation by Stephen King, it was the first book of his i ever read and it was terrifying! Im hooked on King now and there is very little of his fiction i havent read.


What is your most unappealing habit?
My honesty, i think - i refuse to lie. Id never be deliberately mean or hurtful to anyone else but i can be devastatingly honest with myself. Its often mistaken for putting myself down but it really isnt that, I just know me pretty well. I wont lie about you either :P


What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Erm... something slimming.


What is your earliest memory?
Sitting in a hospital (might have been Great Ormand Street) with my Mum and sister, there was someone trying to convince me to drink this awful, foul tasting drink they were trying to convince me was a milkshake. I think in the end the threat of a tube down my nose got me to drink it, but it was truly disgusting.


What is your guiltiest pleasure?
My not-so-secret materialistic daydreams i think. I have rather extensive wish lists on amazon and Etsy and NOTHS, i even have an account with Rightmove so i can look at my house porn whenever i want. In fact *insert embarrassed face* in the past ive even downloaded software to design our perfect house.


What do you owe your parents?
My strength of conviction in my parenting and what is right for my babies. 


To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
My sister. 
We could have had a different relationship had i been a bit more mature, patient and understanding.


Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Without question, my children. Closely followed by Grumpy Husband.


What does love feel like?
i think love changes, and it changes you. Also different types of love feel different too, the love i have for my children is not the love i have for my husband. The love i have for my Mum is not the love i have for my best friend. I think love is near impossible to quantify, it teaches and gives and it takes away too. 


What was the best kiss of your life?
I dont think ive had it yet, but i have plans ;)


Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'I *just* said that!'


What is the worst job you've done?
Waitressing. It wasnt a bad job in itself and it was great exercise, but the people i worked with made the job hard. And, when i left they kept all my tips from the entire time i worked there!


If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Other than the relationship with my sister, id like to take back the parenting knowledge i have now, to when i was pregnant with Tom, and apply that knowledge and experience from the very beginning.


What is the closest you've come to death?
Having John actually brought me pretty close. When he was born the surgeon told us that my uterus was stretched to thin they could see John through it and if we had allowed the labour to progress naturally we would likely have both died.


What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The fact that i have five healthy, happy children. Im still not quite sure how that happened.*




When did you last cry, and why?
Oh crikey, i cry quite often at the moment, usually just because im exhausted and the pain is getting too much. I try my best not to cry in front of the children though, i dont want them to worry any more than they already do.


How do you relax?
I daydream. its a good way of pushing the pain away, and it helps me get off to sleep when im struggling.


What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Sadly id say money. Its awful to admit but i really believe that if we could afford two specific things our lives would be greatly improved.


What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Make the most of what you have and focus on the positive. Learn all you can and enjoy every second of your children.


Im not tagging anyone because i dont know who hasnt already done this one, so feel free to add on in the comments and ill edit this to include you later x


*Obviously i know the mechanics of it!

Meet the herd, take two.

Ive been umming and ahhing over this for a while but after asking the children's opinions we have decided to stop using nicknames. Well, except for Grumpy Husband, who is still grumpy.
So, I guess ill re-introduce us...


Im Becki, and my children are Tommy, Nathan, Ellie, Lottie and John. Ta daaaa!
This will make writing my blog and keeping on top of my facebook page so much easier, because i wont have to keep checking back to make sure im using the right nickname in reference to the right child!




Shocking, no?!

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Sunscreen!

Ok, this may be a strange one to come back from my (un-planned) blog hiatus with but its what is in my head at the mo with all this lovely weather so here we go :D


SUNCREAM


Having recently seen that some suncreams contain ingredients that may, over a long period of time, actually cause damage to the skin we decided to make the change we had been considering and switch to all-natural versions. So here is my non-sponsored, un-solicited review of the two we tried.


Badger.
The packaging claims water resistance, SPF 30 UVA and UVB protection and a light scent. It cost £13.17 from Amazon, plus £1.57 delivery.


The ingredients -
Extra virgin olive oil, Beeswax, Jojoba Oil, Cocoa butter, Shea Butter, Lavender essential oil, 'CO2 extracts' of Rosemary and Seabuckthorn berry. All the ingredients except the beeswax are Certified Organic. The packaging then adds (outside of the ingredients box) that it includes also a 'high quality, pharmaceutical grade zinc oxide'.


The packaging.
The packaging is cute i think, with a lovely badger basket-carrying a baby badger on its back along a tropical beach. The purple and yellow are eye-catching but not blinding and all the relevant information is clearly displayed.


The suncream itself.
When i first tried the cream on i wished i hadnt picked the toddler to use it on first. It comes out very thickly and is almost gritty with small lumps. The lavender smell is a little too strong to us, as a scent we dont tend to favour and it takes a fair amount of rubbing to spread it across the skin though the lumps do rub out.
 However, once thoroughly rubbed on to the skin it is almost invisible, and i was very impressed at how long it stayed on the childrens skin. Only the toddler needed a re-application later in the day, this pleased me greatly because it means that the value-for-money factor has significantly increased. When asked which they prefer both Princess and Manic chose this.


Points are out of five out of five -
Ease of use - 2
Effectiveness - 5
Value for money - 4
Overall impression - 4
Total 15 out of 20 - i would recommend it but for older, more patient/easily distracted children.




Burt's Bees.
Packaging claims chemical free sunscreen with hemp seed oil, 100% natural. SPF 30, UVA and UVB protection. It cost £16 from Amazon, plus £3.95 shipping.


The ingredients.
'Active ingredients' Titanium dioxide, 'Inactive ingredients' water, hemp seed oil, glycerin, stearic acid, fragrance, sunflower seed oil, hydrated silica, sucrose distearate, calendula flower extract, hawthorn stem extract, witch hazel extract, golden seal extract, comfrey extract, rosemary leaf extract, alginic acid, acacia senegal gum, xanthan gum, beta carotene, sucrose stearate, lecithin, aluminium hydroxide, sodium borate, glucose, sodium chloride, canola oil, glucose oxidase, lactoperoxidase.


The packaging.
I really like the packaging, a lovely warm yellow with a bearded, sun-glass wearing fellow pursing his lips right in the middle. My children call this one the 'old man' sun cream! 


The sun cream itself. 
This cream spreads considerably easier than the other cream but unfortunately it dries very very quickly. The best way i can describe it is if you have ever bought a cheap foundation, which dries too fast for you to be able to blend it properly and instead just rubs off or leaves a tide line. Its the only negative point i have about this cream as the smell is very mild and it lasts quite well - only the high-friction areas of the children's skin needed reapplication. I do have to admit the long list of ingredients concerns me a little but it is cited as being '100% natural'. Chicken and Dreamer both prefer this one.


Scores then!
Ease of use - 4
Effectiveness -3
Value for money - 4
Overall impression - 4
Total 15 out of 20.


I have to say i strongly dislike the feel of sunscreen on my skin and prefer to just use a moisturiser with an spf for myself. Though the two creams scored the same and had two children each prefer it, my choice would be the Burts, the ease of spreading and the lack of strong scent win out for me. Hope this has been helpful :D
After reading Imogen's comment below i went to the cosmetic database and checked out the burts bee's sunscreen and the badger sunscreen. I have to say the results shocked me and im amazed that Burt's bees can get away with calling itself all natural!
 As i now have more information i am changing my original decision to one in favour of the Badger cream. It may be harder to use and smell worse but it is far far less damaging to my children's skin and health in general. Thankyou Immi, i shall be referring to that site often!
.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Thursday, 17 March 2011

GERMS!

*rolls in, flops dramatically on nearest soft surface and whimpers pitifully*


Germs.... we have germs!


This is baaaaaaad.


First idea i had of anything was Princess shoving me awake and telling me 'Chicken just bee'd sick' as though it had been done especially to ruin her night.

Que crippled bed stripping; 

Interesting, and almost difficult enough to be considered an Olympic sport.


Then the second expulsion came, of course before i could find any kind of receptacle around the room, and which had to be hastily mopped up with wet wipes and resulted in princess having to lay on a towel. She was Not Impressed.


Within a day i sort-of had it (may have been maccys poisoning as i wasnt actually sick but was very fragile and green for two days), a day later princess came down with it and yesterday Manic got sent home from school as they suspected he had it - you know something is seriously wrong when manic goes off his food!

So then yesterday Astro gets what we lovingly refer to as the Hot Snots (a temp and a runny nose). We assume its just his teeth because such a bonny baby, fed only on Mothers Best cant possibly catch a crappy bug and fall ill as well, can he!



Can he?


Bollocks.


So yes, my night last night consisted of mainly nose wiping, rocking (which hurts like expletive works a bit and also he kicks me if i stop) trying (and failing) to bribe to sleep with the milkies and general despair at the fact that ive not managed even four hours sleep in a night for the over a week.


*insert picture of death, warmed up*


Oh, and somewhere in all that my baby first born turned 11! *sob sob sob*
He will be starting secondary school in September and im beside myself, he is such a caring, thoughtful young man and im worried he will be ruined! I am very tempted to cry 'Home Ed!' and keep him!


But i know he is excited to go, i just hope he has a better time of it than i did. *wails again* where did the time go?!


Now then... I shall be doing a momentous post on Monday or Tuesday, and i have a special thankyou post to do for tomorrow, which will have a follow-up post too. I just wanted to pop in and explain my recent absence from here, twitter and (to a lesser extent) facebook. Ive not forgotten you, im just elbow deep in vomity, bawling children!


(Awww, i cant not do it, i have to say a quick thankyou to @nickie72. You'll find out why tomorrow!)

.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Twat relief!

First, you need to go here so you know what im talking about....


Done? Ok... So you know why we are cross and disappointed, i try to make a point of disagreeing with @Nickie72 at every given opportunity, ya know, just to help keep her grounded. Im a giver like that.
But this time i couldnt help but agree, its a bit of an insult really to whoever wins the bidding. When i had @brendan_sheerin, @dildo_bob and best of all (and this one had me squealing for days) @TheBloggess - people i consider to be proper celebs- follow me of their own volition it seriously made my day! Why on earth would you want a fake version of that, one which you had to PAY for!?


Anyway, my Twat Relief nominee....   


...... *drum roll*.....


The Twitter fail whale!


No, not the picture that comes up when twitter is broken, the person using that name for their twitter profile.


I liked him to start with, he seemed funny. Then i was a bit meh and less impressed. Then i was tolerating him and his so called humour. Now he is unfollowed and with gems like these you'll soon see why ......


'I always know when a girl is pregnant.. It's only time she has anything nice to say about her Baby Daddy on Facebook.'


'Somewhere in the world a dumb b*tch is mad that they made an iPad but didn't make any iTampons.'


'If having sex with her is like throwing a hot dog down an empty hallway' and 'If she has a tattoo that says "Enter At Your Own Risk" on her ass' all for the woman affirming 'She'sAHo' hashtag.


These are just a few choice examples, but im sure you'll get my point. The twitter whale (or is it twatter today?) is a sexist, misogynist insult to the mammal kingdom.


In my opinion 3)


.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

What is *your* problem?!

There seems to be some confusion floating about, so please allow me to clear things up.


I keep hearing the question 'What is wrong' with me?
We'll stick to the physical here shall we? I have severe SPD. SPD is not a sexually transmitted disease, moron, its a complication of pregnancy. When you are pregnant your body makes hormones to (among other things) loosen the ligaments in your pelvis to allow a little movement during the birth.
 In my case, my body went at making these hormones like a fatty goes for cake*. Far too much, in other words.


As a result of this my pelvis became very unstable. The best way i can describe the feeling of my pelvis is this...


Imagine a frame, from which is suspended 4 bones, all of these bones make an round shape and are held together very firmly. There is duct tape going round and round the outside of these bones so no matter which way you tip the frame they stay together. This equals healthy pelvis.
Now imagine these suspended bones have no duct tape and the best you could do was to link them to each other with lengths of old elastic, which you forgot to cut short. Now tip the frame and see the bones jiggle and sway. Beautiful arent they? Possibly, but they are no longer particularly practical for the purpose.


When your pelvis takes on the state of the second image and you try to stand it feels a lot like you are supporting the frame with your muscles and skin, rather than the frame supporting you. It also feels rather a lot like the whole lot may just decide to drop out at any given moment. Nice.


Now somewhere along all this jolly swinging pelvis activity something happened to my spine. I dont know what happened but it was something and it causes me a whole fuckload of pain. It is a word because i just used it, ok?
Now my MRI (an entirely delightful experience in itself) showed the SPD in all its glory AND what the technician/doctor/monkey with a stethoscope determined was 'an old injury'. As i have no old spinal injuries (pretty sure id remember that) we can only assume he misread the scan and are seeking another opinion.


Now, i do genuinely feel there has been some improvement in my pelvis. Not a great deal but it is a start. However i do not feel any improvement to my back, the pain from which is constant and swings from 'just about tolerable with all these drugs' to 'dear God its trying to kill me and im tempted to just let it'. Being the generally delightful ray of sunshine i am i try not to drag everyone else down with me. I force a smile on my face, i make myself still sit up and communicate (even when id be really much more comfortable shuffling under the pillow and not moving st all), i DONT force every person i see to sit through a long list of my aches pains and miseries. Im a giver like that, ok? I also force myself to make the painful journey down the stairs as often as my sanity can cope because i am aware my kids are missing out and i want this to cause them as little suffering as possible.


So, when you see me smiling, joking on twitter or facebook, or if you are one of the lucky few who get to actually see me and im talking, avoiding the subject of how i am and trying to seem an 'normal' as possible, please remember this is all for your fucking benefit and you better appreciate it or i will punctuate your next encounter with anguished screams of pain and torment, k?


Thanks for your time.


*as a recovering fatty who does love cake, i am totally allowed to say that.

Monday, 28 February 2011

An open letter to Wayne Rooney

First, a little background. I dont 'do' football. I disagree with the amount of money earned by the 'top' players and feel it is grossly disproportionate, especially when there are nurses teachers and social workers who cannot afford to get a mortgage. But somehow yesterday i accidentally watched a bit of Match of the day.


It very quickly reminded me of another reason why i dont bother with football - the casual violence. Wayne Rooney was running past a fellow on the other team, approaching from behind. He was running toward the ball and the blokey from the opposing team was sort of drifting along toward the ball but without any real sense of purpose (as far as i could see). As Mr Rooney passed the other footballer he hopped up and.....


ELBOWED HIM IN THE FACE!


:o  < that was my face. There may have been a squeak emitted as my jaw hit the baby floor.


Is this how football is played now? 
He got a 'congratulations-for-existing' hug off the referee (who had missed the entire attack).


:o  <still my face, by the way.


His team manager (? I think?) said after the game that he was sticking with the referees decision (or lack of one) and looked generally rather smug.


:o  <again, im staying like this.


If I were in charge of that team i would be disgusted. Entirely disgusted. Admittedly, i dont know a great deal about 'the beautiful game' but surely this type of behaviour should be actively discouraged? 




Dear Mr Rooney, 


Belated congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you and your wife thoroughly enjoy being parents. 
Yesterday i caught a little of a match you were playing in, where you elbowed a man in the face, entirely unprovoked and approaching him from behind so as he had no chance to avoid your strike.
You are a Father now, is this the type of example you wish to set for your son (and the thousands of youngsters who idolise you)? That violence is acceptable? Would you be proud if your son were to approach somebody from behind and randomly elbow them in the face?
I wonder what your parents had to say of you last night. Do you realize that they will be questioned about it? That you will have brought their parenting under attack with your childish lashing out?
And what about your parenting? Please dont think for one moment that nobody who saw that wondered what kind of parent is capable of acting that way.
Did you think about anything before you did it? I cannot imagine any thought process which results in an idea like that seeming like a good one!
What did you hope to accomplish?
Did you realise that you risked breaking that mans jaw? That thousands (if not millions) of people saw you do that? 
Did you do it then knowing that you could likely get away with what is basically assault? That had you done this anywhere else on earth other than that pitch, you would have been arrested?


Yours, 
concerned Parent 

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Compare my day...

Im officially disabled now. Did i say? Its bittersweet really. On the one hand it means a car, getting out of the house and no more hospital transport. Being able to take the children out and making up a little in experiences what they now miss in a mother. On the other hand im very uncomfortable accepting such a label - my brain still insists im fine, in my head im fully able - its only my body thats not with the program.


Every day is a shock to me, i really expected by now id be back on my feet, tweeting things like 'walked to the shop today, tired but glad to be walking!'. Instead i find i have very little to say, who want to hear 'made it to the loo in time again, yay me!'? Ive done a comparison below, it might prove to be depressive reading so dont feel you have to stay, i wont hold it against you x


My normal day.
Alarm goes off at half past six and as soon as i hear it i jump out of bed (yes, really).
I use the toilets, have a wash and brush my teeth. I get dressed and then go to wake up the boys. I wake them up by singing 'Good morning, good morning' and opening the curtains.
 I give them each a kiss and tell them how lovely it is to see them both. They get up and start getting ready for school.
 I go into the girls room and do the same, helping Princess and changing Chickin nappy and dressing her.


Back to my bedroom to turn off Hubby's alarm and wake him up and get dressed.
Down the stairs i go, to the kitchen. While i stick a load of washing in the machine and then prepare the breakfast the children help me out by getting out the cutlery, getting the coats ready and finding the shoes (which oddly enough are never in the shoe box). 
 After eating our breakfasts together we get on coats, wrestle the chick into the buggy and set off on the walk to school, meeting up with a friend on the way.
After walking the mile there, settling the three 'big ones' in to their respective classes and apologizing for whatever devastatingly important thing ive forgotten, i meet back up with my friend and we walk back together, often briefly stopping to catch up with other friends. Sometimes we stop at the shop, and once a month we walk the two and a half miles to the nearest trading post to stock up on tins and washing powder.


Once home i hang out the washing and put on another load - it never ends you know! The chick helps with the pegs and then weighs down the bin while i struggle the full bag out and take it to the big bin out the front. We'll usually play together til lunch, sometimes reading, colouring or watching a show but not today, today is shopping day so we grab the change bag (which i got ready the night before) and run for the bus.
 We have ninety minutes to get round the store before the bus leaves to go back which is just enough time to get all the bits on the list and maybe stop for a little treat at the cafe before we are off home again.
 Once home i unpack the frozen stuff and then the chick and i have lunch together. After lunch chick and i settle on the sofa for a cuddle and very soon she nods off for her sleep. I use this time, putting away the shopping, bringing in the dry washing, hanging the wet load and loading up the machine again. I might check emails on the computer, or do a bit of housework upstairs but i try to be back on the sofa next to her by the time she wakes up.
 Before long its time to go and collect the bigger babes from school, im tired but happy as i go from class to class collecting them up and we walk together. Sometimes we go to the park but not often, i dont like how busy it is right after school. Today isnt a dance day (Princess and Manic each have a dance class at the village hall once a week) so we go straight home.


After the usual chaos getting in the door and unraveling the children and emptying the buggy we set up to do homework or watch half an hour of tv or spend some time in the garden, depending on the day and the weather. All too soon Hubby is home and its time to start preparing dinner. I usually have at least one 'helper' and yet somehow dinner still gets made. The food is eaten, the plates are cleared and the dishwasher is loaded. Time for baths, time for respective bed time routines to begin. Hubby and i take turns with doing the bedtimes and spending dedicated one on one time with each of the children. Then before we know it its our bedtime too and off we go.


Boring, right? Totally predictable, suburban and blah. Nothing special at all. But its something i miss in my life with a fiery intensity. This is my day now...




I hear my alarm and groggily shut it off. Ive barely slept and im so tired, i hate hearing that thing go off. Im aware i wont necessarily know i need the toilet til im bursting so i should really get up and off to the loo.


 So i sleepily shuffle to the edge of the bed and im up and off.
Except im not, it doesnt quite work. I try again to stand up only to be met with a bolt of pain through my pelvis and back, and a weakness in my thighs which tells me i'll not make it an inch off the bed without something to pull myself up on. So i use the 'special' handle on the side of my bed - put there for that very purpose.


Now im up, and a little more awake i head to the bathroom.
 Except that wont work, with any weight on them my legs wont lift off the floor (not without a lot of pain and strain), so i grab for my crutches. Bit better, still hurts more than being in bed did but its lessened enough that i can move now. Off to the loo (i wont go into too much detail but there is a very attractive frame around our toilet now to help me get down and up) and into the other room to wash my hands.


Only now im knackared. Ive only just started and already im done. The pain im in has sucked out what little energy i had just in getting to the toilet. Shall i brush my teeth? It means letting go of one of the crutches - being only partially supported. No, it will have to wait.


I get back to bed and i just want sleep. But im a Mum and i cant give in yet. I want to go into the boys room and wake them up smiling, but I have to settle for calling to them from my bed. Not the same, but it does the job. The girls are up now too - one stone, two jobs i guess. Time to take my tablets.
I cant go downstairs and make their breakfast now, so i get Husband up and he does the down stairs duties with the children.
 I help however i can, doing nappy changes and supervising the dressing, reminding them to pick up their fruit for snack time or take in their bookbag, whatever i can remember.


Now they are all gone. Id love for chickin to stay with me but she cant - even with a gate at the top of the stairs and on the boys room i cant keep her safe. She is too inquisitive and in the hour the school run takes she could pretty much inquire the house to rubble.
 Just me and the boy then, and that is nice. I settle down to feed him and try to nap. Not on my side - if i do the front of my pelvis will overlap and get stuck, and worse at some point in the day it will unstick and un-overlap. So, im sort of diagonal really, ive cushions under and behind me. Im still hurting and uncomfortable but i might sleep.


Maybe i sleep, maybe i dont, maybe i doze or daydream, maybe i just stare out the window. But im close to my baby and im feeding him myself, and that is good.


Home already! Hubby is back, and Chickin is excited. What will i do with her this morning? Is it playgroup day? Are we off to the park maybe? Will i treat her with a bus ride to the seafront or the big park? 
 No, none of those things. I read her a story while Astro sleeps, but she gets bored soon after and goes to find Daddy. I love that they are so close now but i long for our old relationship back. Daddy entertains her now. 
 I switch on the computer and check my bank account, emails and listen online to the radio. The computer will stay on all day, its the only way to keep my brain going. I can hear Hubby and Chickin, doing housework, playing. At some point i get to brush my teeth but usually it involves realizing the trip is going to cost too much in pain and asking Hubby to bring it all to me. Lunch time rolls around and what do i want? Nothing really, i dont really get hungry anymore. But i ask for something, i know i must eat and Hubby will worry if i dont. Something simple it is then, and i eat as much as i can.
 Tablets again. They dont seem nearly as effective as they were, now barely taking the edge off and providing me no comfort, but i take them as they are better than nothing and i am afraid that asking for something stronger will mean giving up feeding Astro.
 I feed the baby again and play with him for a bit but he'll soon sleep. Chickin comes up to see me again and we read a book or watch a dvd. Sometimes she sleeps a bit and i turn to the computer, looking on Rightmove at pretty houses or harassing friends on facebook or twitter (you know who you are ;) ). 


 Hubby will try to pop up between housework jobs but cant stop long, i love him dearly though for his efforts. Before long its school run time again, i try to doze while Astro has a re-fill but often im too achy and restless. Boy do i miss that school run, especially on the cold clear days. The babes are home soon though and i put on my best smile and listen my hardest to their days events. I will do everything i can to stop my misery from becoming theirs. We watch tv, or they go downstairs for homework or to make the best of the better tv selection. Dinner is brought up and i eat what i can, take my tablets again. Hubby is clearly tired but he gets on with the bedtimes. I help as i can, changing a nappy, supervising the pj's or applying toothpaste to brush. If im having a 'good' day for pain i'll sit up for a while and fold some clean washing into piles to be put away.


 The kids are settled and Hubby comes to check if i need anything. We chat for a little while but he is tired so i tell him to go downstairs and enjoy the unrivaled remote or play on his xbox for a bit (he has more than earned it!). I'll feed the babe again and then play around on the computer til he comes up to bed. His comes in here again before bed for a while and we'll watch a bit of tv or chat briefly. He sleeps in the other room now, so his snoring doesnt prevent what little rest i get in the night.


 So, now alone i try to sleep, its often futile but i try none the less. I usually give up in the end, ending up roaming the internet til 2 or 3 am when my eyes feel heavier than the pain and i try to catch the doze and develop it to a sleep. Sometimes it works for a couple of hours, sometimes not and im staring out the window again or daydreaming the hours away til my alarm goes off again.


Its not inspiring, is it? This is why im finding it hard to write posts again - i really dont have anything new to say. Other than stories of how my brain and body are still at odds regarding my physical capabilities. I was having a good pain day on Saturday,so i somehow convinced myself i could stand. Just for a few minutes, just long enough to snap a few pics of the outgrown baby clothes im flogging. I must have been upright for maybe a minute, leant heavily on the side of the bed, before i collapsed in pain and weakness. That set me back four days, that minute - ive been in too much pain to even try and wash in the bathroom - only making it to the toilet out of sheer pigheadedness.


It kills me that something as natural as having a baby has left me like this, and that my problems continue to baffle doctors. Not having a plan, bugs me too. I like to be organised, to know where im going and what needs doing by when. I seem to be floating along on a sea of pain with no particular destination and no use of the experience.


I dont seem to have a proper close for this post, sorry if ive brought anyone down but i have to get it out somewhere and really, thats why i started this blog in the first place x


Images courtesy of Google Images

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Conversations with a two year old.

Chickin: Where is Princess?
Me: Shes gone for a wee wee.
C: I hit her face?
Me: No, dont hit her.
C: I sit on her head?
Me: No, dont sit on her head, its not very nice.
C: Yes?

********

C: Waalalalawlwlalalaalww (waving leg around)
Me: Put your foot down please
C: Weeaahaallwewwlaalaa
Me: Put your foot down before you hurt your brother
C: Wallaawaaallwwlaawwaa
Me: There, you just caught your brothers head. Thats not very nice, is it?!
C: Ohhooeeeaahahaallawaalla.

********

Me: Come on then Chikkie, lets get your socks on and you can go with Daddy to the school.
C: NO! No, i not goin'. I dont like the monsters.
Me: What monsters hun? You're just going to the school.
C: No! No school, monsters there!
Me: There arent any monsters baby, its only the school. You dont want to go to the school with Daddy?
C: Nooooo, no school, the monsters!
Me: Ok hun, ok. But you wont get to go find Dreamer, Manic and Princess.
C: Ohhhh. No, no school.
Me: Ok hun, you stay with Mummy and we'll have our snack together.
C: Yes! Snack! We have snack.
*12 seconds after Husband leaves for the school run*
C: I wanna go school with Daddy!
.
.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

One of those days.

Im having a 'day'. You know, a day where stupid, inconsequential little things really get to you and you'd like to curl up in a corner and sob about the unfairness of it all but you cant?


Yeah, one of them.


I listed the things that were bothering me and that just made me more depressed.
So i thought id share it.


Im nice like that.


*If you want to skip this post i totally forgive you x*


1) I decided to try baby signing with Astro. I bought the book and spent time reading it and learning how to spot his cues. His first sign, which he just did naturally and all by himself? 
Daddy.


2) Ordering a new tap thingy for the bath so i can finally have a shower and Husband needs a Thing for downstairs. Neither of his choices are in stock and i explain there is something similar and order that. He is fine with this until it arrives, and he says 'Its wrong, i needed one with holes in'. This is quite sufficient for me to grasp why it isnt suitable but he insists on launching into a long, drawn out, detailed explanation which leaves me quite certain he thinks im a moron. We have words.


3) Astro is a complete Daddy's boy. As are the older boys. The girls turned out to be Daddy's girls too, whats so wrong with me? Im way nicer!


4) I realised today that ive not had a shower/bath for around 6 weeks (hence taking matters into my own hands and ordering a new what-sit for the bath). I feel truly disgusting.*


5) Said what-sit cannot be installed until the weekend, at the very earliest, and is sat in its box at the end of the bed, mocking me.


6) My pain killers, along with keeping me awake, giving me fierce constipation and making my hair fall out are also getting less and less effective at taking any pain away and have changed my sense of taste so that pretty much every food i like now tastes completely crap to me.


7) The gross, disgusting, disease ridden mould downstairs (which will likely be responsible for the zombie apocalypse) is only getting worse and i cant bear the thought of the children spending any time near it so they are stuffed in here with me, which is lovely but im seriously claustrophobic and am boring the kids to death.


8) All i want is to have a shower and feel clean, get dressed and get out of the house. But i still cant. Our car has been delayed and we now wont get it til mid-March.


9) Husband put my juice in the wrong bottle and now my Ribena tastes pear-y. I dont like pears. But i cant waste the Ribena cos its so stupidly expensive.


10) All of our children's plates, bowls and cups are not bpa free. So now i need to replace them. Except nowhere in the UK does anything for anyone older than two years so i have to order from the US and pay the crippling postage.


11) My blog posts have stopped showing on my facebook news stream. Again.


12) I hate doing miserable, self-pitying blog posts like this but i need to let it out.


13) Nobody is commenting on my new facebook blog page thing so i still look like a freak just talking to myself.


14) One of my best friends is being all weird and passive aggressive with me and i dont know why or what ive done and i dont want to ask.


15) Ive felt for a very long time that there is something 'not quite right' about Manic but cant put my finger on it. Now someone else has mentioned it and i dont know how to go about helping him.


16) We desperately need a bigger house but our banding means we are just never going to get one. And i hate feeling like a scrounger being on benefits and on the council list even though there is absolutely nothing else we can do right now (and id never call anyone else in this situation a scrounger so why am i so hard on me?).


17) and now Pinks 'Who Knew' is on the radio and it reminds me of my sister and now im gonna cry.




AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!


Thankyou for listening x




*Oh, i do wash every day, ive just not had a proper bath or shower as i cant get in the bath and we dont have a shower (or didn't, til i got sick of the council fannying about and bought a mixer tap shower combo thing).



Dear So and So

Dear Advertisers at large, it has become clear to me that many of you think we are stupid.  Please see below.


Dear Aptamil advertisers,
 Im sorry but wtf? Who wears a scarf outside their coat? Oh, yes thats right, no one. Id imagine the gaping space between the scarf and the childs neck makes the scarf really more of a decorative item. Except arent decorative items meant to spruce things up and make then look better, not stupid?


Dear crisp manufacturers (namely Quavers and Skips), 
 I understand that in this current financial climate everyone is trying to save money and find ways to spend less on stuff. Really, i get it. Im guessing you guys decided the quickest way to retain profit without upping prices would be to change the way you flavour your product a little, maybe use something a bit cheaper? Fair enough, thats cool, i see where you are coming from. After all you have employees depending on you, we dont want any sackings going on!
Well... except for maybe one guy. The guy who decided onion is a great flavour alternative for a prawn cocktail and a cheese flavoured product. Yeah, that guy is stupid and should really be sacked because the last two multi-packs of Quavers and Skips we bought* i couldnt eat a single crisp for the overpowering onion flavour.
 Ick.


Dear make-up and hair product manufacturers,
 Id like to clear something up. It has become staggeringly clear to me that you neither believe your products are 'worth it' nor that your customers have any discernible intellect. Perhaps i should qualify - if your product is so frickin fantastic that it really is worth that much money, then why do you need to use fake eyelashes/professionally-styled-to-within-an-inch-of-their-lives supermodels/ computer trickery to make it look good?
 Yeah, exactly.


Dear time,
Please quit sucking so much. Id really appreciate it if on a Tuesday morning when i have exactly three hours to myself, you could stop haring past in the blink of an eye so i could actually get something of some use accomplished. 
 Also, when i am bored brainless and dying for the kids to be home id love if you could quit dragging your heels.
 Not much to ask, so i totally expect next Tuesday morning to take all day, ok? Thanks.


Dear Housing people.
 I love you guys. Did i mention how totally awesome your hair looks today? Seriously, have you lost weight? I mean it, you are all amazing.
Now please sort out our constantly flooding front garden which makes our entire living space fill with black mould (mmm healthy). 
 Actually, as we are officially overcrowded and all our well made plans to move into private rental are screwed now that im all crippled and shit, id really be impressed if you could find us another place to live. It would make life easier for the workmen too, cos then they could fix that front wall/front garden/nasty mould stuff in an empty house with no distraction. 
What was that? Yes, 5 bedrooms and a nice big garden would be fantastic, thanks!
 *wakes up* 




*we dont actually buy four multi-packs of crisps in one go, just so you know, we get one a fortnight, so this onion crap has been going on way too long.




Click my button (no, dont be gross, the button that says 'Dear So and So') to see more offerings.