Thursday, 27 January 2011

Think think think.

Ive had a think (Nickie, stop pretending to be shocked). 

Yesterday i was a bit side-swiped. Given the amount of pain i am in i really expected the mri results to be dire. When they said they couldnt find anything i was confused and then sad.
No problem means no diagnoses.
No diagnoses means no treatment.
No treatment means no recovery.
Oh God, will i be stuck this way forever?

Now that ive had time to mull it over a bit i have realised it was good news. No problem might not help now but it means there is nothing there to make it worse! That means the worst case scenario is me staying in this physical condition, which i could cope with, now that a lot of the restrictions placed on me (in case i made my back worse) are gone. 
 It also means there is no obvious reason why i cant get better.

Hear that? Thats the sound of a stubborn old mule getting out of bed...

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Good news/bad news?

I only let on to two friends about this because i was worried, really worried, about what i would learn.

Today i got my mri test results.

And they were actually worse than i feared. They showed that (apart from the very slowly recovering SPD) there is nothing wrong with my back.

You may think "Well isnt this good news?" and in a way it is - I certainly dont want to be disabled, labelled or ill and in pain. 

But (and this is a big one) im now left hanging again. I have no reason or explanation as to why my life is a constant struggle against excruciating pain and considerably reduced mobility. 

I have to admit, i just cried. If there is an opposite to validated that is how i feel now. That doctor - the only one who took me seriously and empathised with me - can no longer help me. All he can do is pass me back to the physio and on to the pain clinic.

Limbo, thats where i live now. Its a painful and confusing place and i do not wish to be here.

Monday, 24 January 2011

Why Peppa Pig Must Die

We've all been there, our toddler has discovered what he or she thinks is the best thing since chocolate sliced bread.
 We sit down and watch a little with said child and think "Well, its not too bad, i can live with it til the next 'Best Thing Ever' comes along".

I'm actually a bit of a TV control freak when it comes to my children. I put a timer on for watching shows, once they start school TV is an earned thing - not a right, and if there is something new they want to watch I watch it first to see whether it is suitable.

Well, initially Peppa Pig passed muster. There is no violence or swearing, no blatant product placement, her favourite thing to do is to play outside... all seemed pretty good really, so we let Chickin watch some when she needs a bit of downtime but we dont want her to actually have a nap, and usually one of us will sit with her.
After watching probably every episode of that show several times ive come to a conclusion. 

I do not like Peppa Pig. In fact i feel quite violent towards the whole program.

You may think that is a rather strong way to feel (especially for a pacifist) about what, after all, is just a cartoon and you would be right but that doesnt change how i feel. 
I shall explain. We have already established im not a fan of the television (in fact id happily not have one at all). I am also a bit of a stickler for manners, i figure they dont cost anything, they make life a little more pleasant so why not use them?

You might now be getting an idea where my issue with Peppa springs from...

Peppa Pig is a spoiled brat.
She very rarely says please for anything (though i have heard a few thankyou's) and often demands rather than asks. The phrase "I want" has featured several times and Peppa has got whatever it was that she wanted.

Peppa Pig is frequently rude and disrespectful.
She wilfully ignores her parents, tells them they are silly or wrong and is never brought up on it. In fact she seems far more in charge of the goings-on than her parents are.

Peppa's parents clearly cannot see any issue.
If my child was rude, deliberately mean or hurtful to her brother, didn't ask nicely for something or told lies id have to step in and have a word. No need to be strong-handed, a quick explanation of why we dont do that often makes the point clear -
"Peppa, we dont speak to people that way because it is rude, lets think about how we would feel if someone said that to us, and see if there is a different way to make our point"
"Peppa, i told you that George gets frightened if you push the swing up high. How would you feel if somebody deliberately scared you? Well, you just made your little brother feel that way. I think you need to apologise to him."
"Peppa, in this house 'I want' does not get. If you cannot ask me nicely i will not want to help you. I may be your Mother but i am not your slave. Lets try again and see if we can do things differently."
"Peppa, it isnt nice to tell lies. If you lie people cannot trust you and then when you really do need something nobody will believe you."
Not. Difficult.

Its odd, because i wouldnt judge a real life person for bringing a child up this way. But none of my friends do parent in that fashion so perhaps we gravitate toward the more like-minded. By the way, those examples are just a few of the many ive noticed, there is usually at least one thing per episode that makes me grind my teeth and roll my eyes. And dont even get me started on Peppa's parents...

I think i need a lie down...

*After further thought, i have come up with another reason, which is in no way Peppa Pigs fault but in for a penny.....

Chickin now calls my Very Lovely friend D's son 'Georgie'. 
I must stress that he in no way looks, sounds or smells like George Pig, but as she evidently sees herself as Peppa, the poor lad (her very favourite playmate) gets lumped with being sidekick.

Sunday, 23 January 2011


Did you know it is possible to write a blog post, entertain an almost 5 month old baby/change his nappy, play a board game with a five, eight and ten year old, drink a hot milk AND defend said board game from the inquisitive toddler?

We are Mums, whats your superpower?

Friday, 21 January 2011

Quick catch-up

Hello all 


Just a quick catch up tonight im afraid...

Im sorry ive not been about here much. I have been working on some new things for the blog and as a part of that im currently writing up my conception/birth stories. Its pretty hard going and rather emotional so some of it is coming a bit slow. 
 On this note - i'd really like to do a series of birth stories, so if any of you would like to take part just leave a comment with your email and i'll forward you the details, or click on the me tab and send me a quick message x
 (you dont need to have had spd to participate, any and all stories welcome)

A lot of my time is being taken up by Astro. His teeth are really pushing at the moment and he looks at me with such hurt in his eyes - 'Mummy, why dont you make it go away? You are the fixer-make-it-better person, why dont you fix it?' He doesnt scream with the pain, so much as sob with heartbreak! As well as that, which is mostly an issue in the evening, he is just at such an amazing age, he responds to our voices, he babbles and is mimicking so many sounds, he is reaching for things and trying to grab with a purpose. We marvel daily at just how cool he is. :D

Over the last month or so, ive been taking stock. Im really very lucky but there are things i feel we need to improve on as a family, food being one - a post on that to come.

Husband and i have been talking about the future, my brokenness, the fact that for the first time since i was 17, there is no chance of any more babies, what we are hoping to achieve in this next year... you know those January type conversations. A lot is up in the air for us right now because of my physical condition, but making plans and looking forward is something that has always made me feel better - i love a bit of forward planning and organising!

I had my mri on Monday. The scan itself, though lonely and awfully loud (i had on ear defenders, which had radio piped in rather loudly and that was easily drowned out by the machine), wasn't as scary or claustrophobic as i was worried it would be. Dont get me wrong - that thing is close but there is room between your nose and the top.
 The worst part was having to lay on my back for an hour. After about three minutes my pelvis quit playing nice and started to really hurt. After about fifteen minutes the stabbing sensations began (the lady did ask me if i wanted to stop but i knew if i got out id never get back in again). My back was killing me and my thighs were  twitching - something that only started after the second pelvic crack** (the one after Astro was born), but we managed to get it done.
 Ive been in agony despite my pain relief since Monday, which is partly why ive not posted (Husband says my back is visibly bruised from laying down for the scan, which explains some of the extra pain and discomfort). Before the mri it was because i was anxious and couldnt concentrate, and since the scan ive just not been able to focus past getting through the pain enough to be a Mama.

 I dont do myself any favours when im in pain. My natural response is to draw into myself and stop communicating. Husband knows when in having a bad day because trying to hold a conversation with me is like trying to break a bad habit - not impossible but damn hard work! This could be why i have such difficulty getting medical professionals to see just how much pain i am in, they are used to kicking/screaming/visibly distressed people where as i just go a bit pale (so i am told), and have to rely on Husband getting my point across for me - sometimes i literally cannot speak.

Anyway, thankyou for taking the time to catch up with me, and hello to my new subscribers (or should i call you Interrupters?). Dont forget my facebook page where i'd really love to hear from you guys, i really value your comments and would love a bit of conversational flow but thats hard to achieve in the comments section!

 Hope you are all doing well, best be off and try to sleep while its quiet! Night x

** I think ive figured out what the crack was - if i lay/lean too much to one side the front of my pelvis will overlap, and when i get back in a better position or try to stand that noise is it coming open again. Gross no? But fairly interesting, at least to me!

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

A day of events

Today my second baby turned 8 years old! Happy birthday Manic :) 

Over the last two weeks Manic has mentioned several times that he would really really like me to be downstairs for his birthday. 
 So i was. 
It was quite the feat, but using the same movement i employ to get on and off my bed i managed to get down the stairs.
 Once i got down there i put the baby sling on and sat at the table so i could make Manic his birthday cake, and then played with Chickin (whilst feeding Astro in the sling - first time ever, get me!) making up some spoon animals from a craft set she was given by a great friend for Christmas.
 I say spoon animals (supposedly a peacock, a dog, a cat and a rabbit) but really they are a beautiful mess :D Hey, im not going to sit here and impose instruction on her creativity, and the spoons look pretty cool as 'nose' 'fevva one' (thats feather one to you and I) and 'They're spoons Mummy' - complete with withering look.

I took a break from sitting upright while Husband took Chickin with him to collect the bigger children from school, by laying back on the sofa and listening to the radio with Astro asleep on my chest. It was so lovely, i can barely describe my appreciation of those forty-odd minutes. It has been so long since i was down there for any length of time (man, does that room need a re-paint!).

So, once the family got back from the school run, i once more took myself to the table, this time leaving Astro in Husbands capable hands, and set to the pizza making with Manic. We cobbled together a pizza for the children and a pizza for the grown-ups and it was quite the success. The salad was polished off before the grown-ups pizza was even cooked (little buggers, they were meant to leave us some!) and the chocolate brownie cake, which was served with organic vanilla yoghurt, went down twice as well! 

Soon as dinner was done i set to hauling myself back up the stairs before i was too tired and in too much pain to contemplate even moving. Its quite the task getting back up and takes a fair bit longer, but i managed it and am now safely back in bed, resting and recovering (while i was at the table Chicken managed to accidentally kick me full on in the back in her efforts to get in the chair next to me - OUCH!).

Im glad i did it, the look on Manics face as he came through the lounge door, seeing me on the sofa, was worth every bit of the pain im in now. Just by being in a different room i made that childs day, and not just any day, his birthday.

Oh! AND! I wore a pair of jeans today! 
You may say this is nothing special but to me it is. Apart from the fact i currently live in nightwear (except for hospital appointments, for which i don my old maternity stuff as its easier to get on and off), this particular pair of jeans were too small for me to get on, let alone do up before i got pregnant with Astro! And they slid down!

Im the happiest crippled Mama ever today!

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Plans for the future (aka World Domination).

Right then! Hello again :)

Astro is having one of those 'I can only cope with being fed or sleeping and everything else makes me cry' days. I think we all do from time to time so im mentally preparing for another whole day of just getting my boobs out. Yeah, he did this yesterday too. Its probably a growth spurt/teething/day ending in day causing it.

Unfortunately today i actually had Plans.

I spent all my Christmas money (thanks rellies!) on crafty stuff and it is all sat there, taunting me. 'Come, play with us. We will magically turn into beautiful things which will make passers by weep with impressed-ness'. Not sure why my bedroom would have passers-by but that isnt the point. I have inspiration and i want to make things! 

*weeps with frustration*

Friday, 7 January 2011


Oh, tears.

Ive just today discovered The Feminist Breeder - an American blog by a Mum of two (almost three). Im just reading some of her recent posts and getting a feel for the style of her blog before i decide to follow her or not (i will be, she is really really good)
But i keep starting to cry, and having to skip bits of her posts. I think there are so many aspects of her planned birth which i so dearly wanted for Astro's birth, and i didn't get to do any of it, and now i'll never have the chance to try.
Never feel another first little flutter, or spend a trimester morning praying to the porcelain god miserable but all the while secretly excited that life was growing inside me once more. Never feel the relief of the water in the pool against the contraction, never push a new life out of me, never have that first touch and cuddle and root.

I know im so so incredibly lucky and blessed and more to have any children, let alone five of them, and i adore them all from top to toe and back again. But i cant help feeling robbed. I never got to do it, my own stupid body failed me and now we'll never get to try again.

No more pregnancies.

It feels like a life sentance.

(ETA please dont mistake my sadness as begrudging TFB her planned birth. Just because mine went wrong, doesnt mean im some bitter old hag who wants everyone to be sad, If you ever see this please know TFB, that i genuinely wish you every success and happiness and an awesome birth xx)

Thursday, 6 January 2011

All nekkid and up close-like.

Thats it, ive had enough. You lot are going to be privy to a heck of a lot more of my day to day nonsense rambling crap everything. Reading back over my posts ive think ive been doing better but ive still been censoring myself. 

I want to be wide open and honest and detailed. So.. there you go.

Hahaha, 2011 may be the year i get sent a lot of therapy bills...

Im in for another telling off

Ive done it again and i know im gonna get told off (Ms Typecast, i shall take my punishment like a good girl) but ive let some daft idea creep sideways in to my head and ive all but stopped posting on here again.

Please feel free to stamp on my forehead remind me at any time of the following points....

There is no law which states i may post on my blog no more than twice a week.

There is no law which states i may not post more than one post a day.

If i do not update my blog i really should not be surprised that nobody knows what im doing/feeling/planning.

All together now.......' Duh!'

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


Just a little post to say Thankyou. To you guys, each and every one of my 20 (squeal of excitement) followers. I never imagined anyone would really be interested in my ramblings the crap i waffle about what i had to say, and that twenty people actually care enough to follow me just blows me over.
 I love each and every one of you, i hope you all know that.


Thanks guys :D xx

Monday, 3 January 2011

Getting my (l)activist on!

Hello peeps, happy new year! Hope Christmas brought you all your hearts desired, and all your bellies could hold!

Sorry ive not been about much, ive struggled a little over the holidays - some with the SPD and complications, some cos we have all had some evil flu thing and some because when my babies are off school i just want to spend time with them so sadly you guys get a bit neglected. Sorry about that but im sure you understand x

My planned post for today has had to be postponed. Ah well, you'll be forced to sit through it get to read it eventually! Nope, todays post is being replaced by something more important, something ive waffled at length spoken about before.


Now, last time i blogged about this i was in a state of shock and disbelief that facebook *seemed* to be targeting breastfeeders, deleting their photos and sometimes even removing their accounts entirely with either no warning at all or with a rather confusing message citing breaking the terms of service relating to decency (or somesuch, the exact phrasing eludes me and if i go off in search of it i'll lose momentum).

Well, there is no 'seemed' about anything now. Yesterday facebook started an all out campaign against breastfeeding. Nowhere is safe or sacred. I have no idea what Fb has against us but its pretty clear now that there really is no 'accidental' about the deletions (as has been claimed by facebook previously).

Yesterday, without warning or notice The Leaky B@@b disappeared from Facebook. This was a support forum for breastfeeding and 'natural parenting' families, a place i frequented. It was open to anyone and everyone was made welcome. I asked for advice there on more than one occasion and received gentle support. Im not sure id still be feeding Astro without their help, and i know for a fact id not be expressing for Chickin without the encouragement i received there.

Nobody who was a member of TLB can figure out what exactly was done that warranted removal of the group. None of the bfeeding photos showed nipple or areola (hello, there was a babies head in the way!). If you think this is blatant discrimination or even just unfair, please join here and go to TLB's blog and follow her advice to help us get it reinstated 

Breastfeeding is the normal, natural way to feed a human child. Still, that doesnt mean its always easy and without struggle. Often in the past ive found myself with a question or concern and its been late at night (isnt it always?) or ive not wanted to have to call the already rushed off her feet health visitor. Im quite isolated at the moment, a position many parents find themselves in and having a group i can quickly turn to, any time day or night has been a real saviour to me. Thankyou leakers x

Edited to add - in reading the comments on Mr Zuckerberg's page (one of TLB's suggestions) i  clicked links to obscene pages still running on facebook. Some of these actually turned my stomach - i cannot describe them and will not link to them, but suffice to say these awful pages are still there now but a support group for bfeeding families has been removed. How are we supposed to see this as anything other than targeting and discrimination?