Friday 7 January 2011

Mourning?

Oh, tears.

Ive just today discovered The Feminist Breeder - an American blog by a Mum of two (almost three). Im just reading some of her recent posts and getting a feel for the style of her blog before i decide to follow her or not (i will be, she is really really good)
But i keep starting to cry, and having to skip bits of her posts. I think there are so many aspects of her planned birth which i so dearly wanted for Astro's birth, and i didn't get to do any of it, and now i'll never have the chance to try.
Never feel another first little flutter, or spend a trimester morning praying to the porcelain god miserable but all the while secretly excited that life was growing inside me once more. Never feel the relief of the water in the pool against the contraction, never push a new life out of me, never have that first touch and cuddle and root.

I know im so so incredibly lucky and blessed and more to have any children, let alone five of them, and i adore them all from top to toe and back again. But i cant help feeling robbed. I never got to do it, my own stupid body failed me and now we'll never get to try again.

No more pregnancies.

It feels like a life sentance.




(ETA please dont mistake my sadness as begrudging TFB her planned birth. Just because mine went wrong, doesnt mean im some bitter old hag who wants everyone to be sad, If you ever see this please know TFB, that i genuinely wish you every success and happiness and an awesome birth xx)
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2 comments:

  1. Sarah7 January 2011 at 19:03

    I spent a long time mourning the start of my time with my baby. We had a lot of difficulties breastfeeding, I was stuck in hospital for days and then snowed into my house for weeks, I was confused, tired, frustrated and probably more than a little depressed. I felt for a long time that I had missed out on something special, and that I wanted to go back and do it again - to experience her being tiny. However, the older she gets and the more fun she gets, the more that feeling recedes. Now we're expecting number 2 and I'm hoping for a better start with this one. I was very fortunate to have the birth, pretty much, that I hoped for so I'm hoping for a similarly positive experience this time.

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  2. Pelvis, Interrupted8 January 2011 at 21:51

    Oohh congratulations! How far along are you? I love hearing about peoples pregnancies! Im so glad you had a positive birth experience, its something id wish for every woman. I hope you have a wonderful birth this time AND a positive start to your babies life x

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